After a Fashion

You'd think we'd be all star-f***ed out after SXSW, but here it is, Oscar-time and we are just beside ourselves with the bold type and the dropped names!

What? No silly. We said "fawned."

THE OSCAR REWIND REVIEW Needless to say, the Academy Awards presentation is pretty much the Super Bowl of fashion. The pre-show with Joan Rivers on E! is always a fun part of the ritual; this is where you really get to see the clothes, make-up, and hair close up. Joan herself actually looked pretty good, with magnificent emerald and diamond earrings, even though the rhinestones on her eyelids in broad daylight came off as more than a little whorish. Melissa Rivers looked horrid, as usual, and had no entertainment value whatsoever. But the parade of stars had begun: Glenn Close, wearing Vera Wang with Harry Winston jewelry, looked unexpectedly un-frumpy, and the handsome Ben Kingsley was beautifully dressed, but his unfortunate choice of pretentious facial hair made him look like there was something dribbling down his chin. Jennifer Connelly looked dull, dull, dull in her raggedy, deconstructed Balenciaga gown, and Helen Mirren looked fab in Armani and vintage diamonds. Trudy Styler, fashion-victim wife of Sting, sported messy hair and unflattering make-up that belied her beautiful Jean Paul Gaultier dress. Watching Joan talk to her, there was some ho with huge hair in the background -- as she moved closer, it turned out to be Jennifer Lopez, looking really, really bad in a disastrous Versace gown. Jeez, she looked so pretty last year ... When she made her way over to Joan, Joan said to J.Lo, "You have beautiful teeth. Are they yours?" On the official pre-show, the vapid Leeza Gibbons looked frightening in her Valley of the Dolls hair, and something that looked more like a nightgown than an evening gown ... and there is a difference.

DHOH! (DID HER OWN HAIR) The unpredictable Sharon Stone obviously DHOH, and wore something that resembled a Vera Wang ice skating evening gown. Renée Zellweger ... God help me, I promised I wouldn't say anything bad about her ever again, so I'll stop here, except to mention that she obviously DHOH. Julia Roberts looked pretty good overall -- her Armani gown was very striking, but her daytime hair had the taint of DHOH. And Helen Hunt looked like she DHOH, but probably didn't -- and for about the third year in a row, she should file a lawsuit against her stylist. And Cameron Diaz? Oh, Cameron -- we have to talk. Your deconstructed Ungaro gown was only a smidgen better that the hideousness that you wore to the Golden Globes, but your hair, Cameron -- your hair! What is wrong with you? I know hairdressers who would fly to you at their own expense to do your hair, but nooooo, you insist on doing it yourself with a truckload of Bed Head! As Joan Rivers would say, "Grow up."

ON WITH THE SHOW The luminous Nicole Kidman had beautiful hair, and gorgeous jewels, and her dress was pretty, but it did her no favors. Uma Thurman (oops, there's that name dropping into my column again ...) looked lovely, lush, and ripe with maternity, and appeared to be wearing Anthony-Nak earrings, but from this moment on should be called "Bosoms" Thurman. Her husband Ethan (uh-oh ... another one of those names ...) looked predictably disheveled, but appealing anyway. Will Smith is always impeccably dressed, along with Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, Lou Gosset Jr., and Halle Berry's dreamy husband, musician Eric Benet. Many mentions were made of the tragedies of the past year, and there was a moving tribute to New York City in film, as well as Whoopi Goldberg's fashionably risky tribute to the FDNY, NYPD, and K-9s embellishing her final costume change. Joan Rivers saw fit to include Mariah Carey's debacle Glitter in the list of recent tragedies. Jodie Foster looked fabulous, as usual, in Armani, as usual. Marcia Gay Harden looked hideous in her Cinderella-fantasy ball gown and appeared to have had some sort of mishap with a can of hairspray. Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal looked like fossils. She's beginning to resemble a Boston terrier, and he's beginning to resemble William Shatner (and we feel just horrible saying it, because O'Neal is reportedly very ill). Together, they presented the Jean Hersholt Award to Love Story (among others) director Arthur Hiller, who had hair almost as big as J.Lo. The delectable Hugh Jackman was a sight for sore eyes, and Josh Hartnett was as cute as he could be ... unless, of course, he got a good haircut, and then he'd be way cuter. The why-is-she-at-the-Oscars Faith Hill clearly won the award for Biggest Diamond Necklace. Randy Newman, nominated for 16 Academy Awards over the years (and known as the Susan Lucci of the Oscars), finally took one home. John Travolta looked great, but sounded stupid. The regal and wonderful actor Ian McKellen looked great -- with his handsome young boyfriend on his arm ... or in his arms ... and practically in his lap. Baz Luhrmann appeared to be wearing an Andy Warhol wig, and Robert Redford, the Brad Pitt of the Seventies, looked pretty good, though appears to have had some work done on himself recently. Barbra Streisand looked ... well, like she was the only woman left in Hollywood who still used a flat-iron on her hair. And, now, ugh -- we have to talk about Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth, Gwyneth, Gwyneth -- you have the capability of being breathtakingly lovely -- your hair was pretty, but it was hard to get past your ghastly Margot Tenenbaum make-up ... and your dress. Omigod, that was just about the ugliest dress I've ever seen. Were you on drugs when you chose it? Sissy Spacek (presenter Russell Crowe -- another one of those names -- pronounced Sissy's last name like "spastic") looked lovely, having forgone the disheveled hair and tuxedo that she's so prone to wearing, and wearing a fitted white silk jacket that framed her face beautifully. Sandra Bullock looked great -- even if she could have used some darker lipstick. Kirsten Dunst was perfectly turned out in a pink Dior and glamorous movie-star hair. Tom Cruise, now known as "brace face," badly needed a shave, but was dressed well -- even though on the Barbara Walters interview beforehand, he appeared to have borrowed his jacket from Michael Jackson. Halle Berry looked sensational -- as always -- in a drop-dead gorgeous gown and a drop-dead gorgeous husband. Rightfully hysterical at being the first African-American woman to win Best Actress, she seemed to thank everyone but me ... and Margaret and Louis (good, I think I've mentioned everyone now). All in all, it was a very entertaining evening, but a little dull, fashion-wise.

ON THE LOCAL FRONT Saturday, April 6, Neil Diaz and Texture nightclub (505 Neches) present In Techno-Color, a fashion show featuring local retailers Gomi, Goody Two Shoes, and the boutique at Pink, with hair and make-up by Innu Salon. Doors open at 10pm, show at 11pm. Proceeds benefit Wonders & Worries, with raffle donations by Cush Cush, Vën, and Ulta. Tickets are $8 at the door.

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Academy Awards, Joan Rivers, E! TV, Melissa Rivers, Glenn Close, Vera Wang, Harry Winston, Ben Kingsley, Jennifer Connelly, Balenciaga, Helen Mirren, Armani, Trudy Styler, Sting, Jean Paul Gaultier, Jennifer Lopez, Versace, Leeza Gibbons, Sharon Stone, Renee Zellweger

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