After a Fashion

Were you guilty of indulging in any of these particular fashion no-nos this year? Check out these horrid style Top Tens.

Trouser Cleavage  (aka Plumber's Crack)
Trouser Cleavage (aka Plumber's Crack) (Photo By John Anderson)

Top 10 most reprehensible trends of 2001

1. Straight Hair Flat-irons are flying out of the stores, but contrary to popular belief, lank, limp locks are definitely not for everyone. Just take a look at daytime television to get a good overview: From the soap operas to the talk shows to the judge shows, it is clearly evident that Cher-hair rules the world. Get a second opinion before you indulge.

2. Zig-zag Parts in the Hair See above. Once the trend is the rage of the elementary school playgrounds, it's time for adults to skip it.

3. Temptation Island Obviously the primary consideration here is how good you look in as few clothes as possible ... and, of course, to test the fidelity of your mate. But this brainless gaggle of cretins they recruit every season defies believability, finding the camera to be the best aphrodisiac and -- oh! the shock when it all becomes "too real!" The faux-solemnity of the rituals is as ridiculous and the participants' outfits, and the show comes off like a cross between Showgirls and Gilligan's Island.

4. Trouser Cleavage (aka Plumber's Crack) Hip-huggers are charming ... until you sit down at a restaurant, when the gaping maw between the back of the chair and the top of your trousers begs to have a glass of ice water dumped in it.

5. Soccer Moms A woman whose identity is defined by the sport her child plays, and its subsequent "lifestyle," should perhaps re-evaluate her priorities. Attending your child's extracurricular activities is an excellent idea ... so is developing an identity aside from it.

6. "Issues-- One of the most loaded words in the English language. Nothing is scarier than hearing someone say, "I have 'issues' with that." This vague, slightly threatening appellation harbors such unspeakable possibilities that it should be simply retired as a relic of Nineties psycho-speak.

7. The Homosexual "Agenda-- An annual favorite on my list. Every time I hear the phrase, I imagine a caucus of queens convening over cocktails and compiling a list of demands: 1) Happy hour should be from noon to 8am; 2) January 'White' sales should be a national holiday; 3) Mismatched china and stemware should be a federal offense; and 4) Eartha Kitt should be president (or queen). Hmmm ... not a bad idea.

8. Camouflage Hold Destiny's Child responsible for this current wave of Columbine chic (creepy in its pre-9/11-ness), but it has been a recurring theme over the past couple of decades, one that needs to die in the line of battle. It looks great if you're defending your country in Kabul, but for shopping or a night on the town, it's strictly plebian, and you might just get hit by some friendly fire.

9. Conspicuous Patriotism The little flag pin on the lapel is fine (even those dreadful little safety-pin-and-bead ones), but let's avoid the garish commercialism of flag-printed pants, shirts, hats, food and beverage containers, sheets and towels, rolling papers, seat covers, and even disposable diapers, etc. These things don't say you're patriotic; they say you have no taste.

10. Visible Bras Horrible. Look what Madonna hath wrought. I'm sure even she is horrified that her underwear-as-outerwear approach has been so bastardized that preteen babes at the malls will wear teeny little halters over full-back bras with visible straps. Saints preserve us.

Here's to a more fashionable '02!

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More After a Fashion
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Straight Hair, Cher-hair, Zig-zag Parts, Temptation Island, Showgirl, Gilligan's Island, Trouser-Cleavage, Plumbers Crack, Hip-huggers, Soccer Moms, Issues, psycho-speak, The Homosexual Agenda, Eartha Kitt, Camouflage, Destiny's Child, Columbine, 9 / 11, Kabul, Conspicuous

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