Page Two: The Bar Witch Project

Carole Keeton Rylander Halloween mask instructions

Page Two

Mask Instructions: The Bar Witch Project

1. Cut out and paste over light flexible cardboard for extra bulk. Cut mouth hole extra wide to facilitate snacking on Halloween goodies. Mask still loose? Secretly tape for your own peace of mind.

2. Cut out eyeholes and attach string. Leave left side hanging in case it needs to be jerked tightly. Need help? Ask daddy.

3. Dress like a frump, don mask -- hey, how about a blond fright wig! -- and hit Halloween party. Screw party RSVP; just invite friends and associates, and show up!

4. At party, change last name and expect everyone to remember it all night. If mood strikes, change name again. And again. And again.

5. Refer to self only by title of authority and throw weight around. Initiate party activities, but do not finish any of them, especially if they were your idea.

6. If lights go out at party, convince fellow partygoers to invest in faulty power system. When system falters, blame someone else.

7. Quit party and move to another party. Insist second party is superior to first.

8. End evening memorably! Quell criticism of your superficial party-hopping and scene-schmoozing by calling attention to your more admirable qualities and innate righteousness. Then single out a notorious party animal who owns local high visibility business (be sure it's someone who parties a lot and is beloved by those party-poopers who don't like you or your stupid mask). Think like a cheerleader: Call party animal out for vague infraction and tell everyone you know! Inform local newspapers and TV stations and storm his place! Then, just when everyone really hates you and is glad you are leaving, straighten party mask and insincerely explain that you were just doing your job.

9. When all else fails, be as annoying as possible!

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    The history of the intermittent Halloween mask covers and of burgeoning staff dinners.

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