Coach's Corner

Were I President of the Sportsfan's Union, and you claimed, as a card carrying member, you just didn't get hockey because you can't follow the puck or you don't like Russians and, "Really, Jason, all they do is fight," I'm afraid I'd tear up your card and send you back to your tulip garden, better to sip tea and read The New York Times book reviews. If this echoes your sentiments, let me explain a few things, give some advice and then, being the beneficent president I'd fancy myself to be, give you a second chance. A Fact: In all of the universe of sports, you won't encounter, not in the little league, not in your toddler's first soccer league, not in the Showdown Lounge's dart league -- not even in the NBA! -- a more meaningless regular season than in the National Hockey League. I'd never dream of watching a regular season hockey game, not in a million years. Every team, except one or two, gets in the playoffs. Many good teams really don't try. For example, take the Detroit Red Wings, playing in the Stanley Cup. Though they're an excellent team, they finished the season a middling 38-26-18. Veteran coach Scotty Bowman put lines out on the ice during the regular season which were so bizarre, it looked like he just picked them out of a hat. Imagine Johnny Oates starting Juan Gonzalez at shortstop, Pudge Rodriguez in center, and Benji Gill as his closer. Okay, you get the idea. In the NBA, a last seeded team has never beaten a #1. In hockey, it happens all the time. Why? Because #8 may very well be an excellent team, coasting through the regular season. Ask the Dallas Stars, second in the West, a first round victim to a sleeping #7. I share this, so you understand I'm not a hockey fanatic. I wouldn't even call myself a hockey fan. I'm just your garden variety sportsfan.

Some Friendly Advice: Tune into an ESPN (weekday) broadcast (not Fox!) of the Cup finals this week. Close yourself in the room. Pick either the first or third periods, when the energy levels are high or the game is on the line. Don't do any laundry. Don't eat a ham sandwich. Don't take any phone calls. Don't chat with the wife. Only the elemental things matter. The sportsfan and his tube. Don't worry about rules, it's a simple game. Someone knocks the shit out of somebody, they bleed, a Russian bangs the puck in the net. Not too tough. Let your sportsfan instincts take over. The Flyers and Red Wings are old rivals. ESPN's Bill Clement and Brian Englam do an outstanding job calling the game. Allow yourself to get into the telecast. Let it happen. Give it 10 minutes. Feel the speed. Savor the runaway intensity. Admire the courage. You'll be riveted after half a period.

A Second Chance: Hail, you bored, without-a-life Cowboy fans, counting the days 'til training camp, or you Clarksville socialists who think it's bad-bad when boys hit each other over the head with big sticks. Give it an honest try.

Odds and Ends: Houston wasn't brought down by injuries, as I predicted. They went down with all guns firing, beaten by the better team... To Houston's credit, they didn't complain about the outrageous, flagrantly illegal pick Malone set to free up Stockton's Rocket-slaying shot. That play should be mandatory viewing for all rookie offensive linemen in the NFL. Nate Newton couldn't demonstrate pass blocking any more perfectly. Malone must have moved Drexler 12 feet, keeping the pocket clear and tranquil for Stockton... I'm bored with the annual May and June stories about who is going to hit .400 and how Maris' great home run record is about to fall, as Masher Mike Monroe is on pace to hit 173 homers this season. By the way, if the record falls this year, and it may, it will topple again next year after baseball expands by two. In fact, as the AA pitchers are chewed up by big league hitters, look for many of baseball's most sacred records to be shattered in the next decade... My two boxers, Roxy and Mr. Floyd, too long absent from this space, have again destroyed last summer's lawn and gardening projects. Gaping, unsightly patches of barren dirt, traversed by a costly, subterranean sprinkler system, scar a tract where only last spring's (the season of hope and promise) seed was, with great expectation, planted. For a few glorious months, my yard, like Camelot, flourished. Like Eddie Johnson's last second shot, those months encouraged a mistaken, false hope. The dogs, tenacious curs that they are, win again... Has any sport ever seen three straight high tension playoff games culminate with a last-second, game-winning shot?... Untested rookies being paid more than established veterans is common in most sports. Because it's such a difficult game to play, which almost always requires at least a few years in the minor leagues, baseball drafts don't make multi-national corporations out of 17-year-old first basemen. The Yankee's signing of Hideki Irabu to a $13 million dollar contract is virtually certain to cause big problems in the Yankee clubhouse. Last season's Cy Young runner-up Andy Pettite, for example, makes $600,000... If Scottie Pippen can't play at close to 100%, the Chicago Bulls will lose.