163 Questions

Honorable mention, the 13th Annual 'Austin Chronicle' Short Story Contest

True or False (circle one):

1. I have never worked retail. T F

2. I enjoy incest, but not with any members of my own family.T F

3. I have never really sneezed. T F

4. When I was fourteen my father said to me, "No way are you leaving the house dressed like that." T F

5. The dusk makes me feel like I've missed something. T F

6. Sweet potatoes are, I feel, the wrong color. T F

7. Mostly I'm happy about not being circumcised. T F

8. My favorite thing these days is getting mail from you. T F

9. I've always wanted to have a menage a trois with two brothers. T F

10. I am from Texas. T F

11. It's so stupid to say everything tastes like chicken. T F

12. Kissing is more intimate than intercourse. T F

13. One word to describe me might be, inappropriate. T F

14. I'm pretty sure I'm ten times filthier, sexually speaking, than your average woman. T F

15. I've always looked foward to being 37. T F

16. I have sat too close to a stranger on the L train, and enjoyed it in a way that made me joyously uncomfortable. T F

17. There is nothing worse than rape, unless it's circus animals. T F

18. I've had meaningful crushes on every one of my college professors. T F

19. I have had sex when I didn't really want to. T F

20. I don't really care about my birthday, unless you forget it. T F

21. Some people just don't get it. T F

22. I've never waited in line for anything. T F

23. Oral sex is something you do with prostitutes or women you are only pretending to like so you can get oral sex. T F

24. What I do affects people. T F

25. Sometimes I worry the food I'm eating may have been poisoned. T F

26. Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka is very, very sexy. T F

27. I hate who I was two years ago. T F

28. If I'm flirting with you, you'll definitely know it. T F

29. Some people appear beautiful, and then they speak. T F

30. It's important to pay attention, especially in bed. T F

31. Making a lot of money is kind of gross. T F

32. I have to admit, guns interest me. T F

33. Causing extreme pleasure is my main purpose in life. T F

34. When I'm alone and I trip and fall in front of strangers, I laugh out loud to show them I'm okay with it. T F

35. I plan to choose my family. T F

36. I've never been saddled with the nickname "Barnyard Becky." T F

37. Sometimes, everything tastes like oranges. T F

38. I no longer think the personal is political. T F

39. Masturbatorially, I'm a lesbian. T F

40. I'm not ashamed to like bad music. T F

41. When I was pregnant, all I wanted was plums. T F

42. I remember the time I got my hair cut real short and Tony looked at me and said, "Why would you want to show that much of your face?" T F

43. I can't explain it, but my cat always smells like cinnamon. T F

44. Feet are sexy. T F

45. Confidence means so much more than god-given good looks. T F

46. If a beautiful woman sends you a compass, by all means keep away from her. T F

47. I'm beginning to really care for your girlfriend. T F

48. I don't own any books. T F

49. In a strip club, if anyone it's the men who humiliate themselves. T F

50. I have female performance anxiety. T F

51. In addition to being sexy, she has grace, which I don't have and never will. T F

52. Paying bills on time is something that matters a lot to me. T F

53. I have masturbated in the presence of house pets. T F

54. My cat hates it when I sing. T F

55. I don't think people should be able to say the word sausage. T F

56. If people like me, it's because I'm not threatening. T F

57. I have had a long-term relationship with a woman based on her breasts alone. T F

58. I was a real jerk in high school. T F

59. I always had no respect for people who had plastic surgery until I turned fifty-two and my husband left me for a younger woman. T F

60. What did people do for cash, before ATM machines? T F

61. If I'm thinking something, I usually say it. T F

62. In terms of penises, size is slightly less important than being overall aesthetically pleasing. T F

63. No one likes their job. T F

64. My favorite movie is Coal Miner's Daughter. T F

65. Maybe I'm wrong, but when you sent me that browsing fee $1 receipt from the Erotic Warehouse, it was the equivalent of your saying, wish you were here, or, thinking of you, and I thought that was really sweet. T F

66. I don't give a fuck about work ethic. T F

67. Thoughts are action. T F

68. More than anything else it's my enthusiasm that makes me great in bed. T F

69. I am suspicious of people who seem "too happy." T F

70. Could you explain smoking to me? T F

71. I've always felt more black than white. T F

72. It's hard to choose between great conversation and great sex. T F

73. Hey, I really appreciate being included. T F

74. I often feel I know what people are thinking, but then I'm like, that's impossible. T F

75. I'm in love with my cat, but not in a sick way. T F

76. People have a great capacity to pretend. T F

77. What I want to know is, why was I born into this particular body? T F

78. Some people look great fat. T F

79. Christians often seem too happy and it's kind of creepy. T F

80. I have struggled with unwanted body hair. T F

81. I like to say I'm from the gutter, but the truth is I had a privileged upbringing. T F

82. I'm patiently awaiting the onset of menopause. T F

83. I often spend happy hours thinking about doing things that I would never actually want to do. T F

84. Once when I was in junior high school I went skiing with my friend Kimberly and members of her church, and it turned out to be a secret mission all about converting me to their religion, so I spent most of the trip hiding out in the hot tub with Kenny. T F

85. Que sera, sera. T F

86. It's dangerous to attach yourself to a couple. T F

87. Good fellatio tells a story, just not in English. T F

88. It's stupid to pretend that just because you're in a relationship, you no longer find other people attractive. T F

89. My thighs touch when I walk. T F

90. It is easier to remember than it is to forget. T F

91. I hate it when men tell me to smile. T F

92. I really like to be called pretty, even by the guy behind the counter at the gas station who reminded me of Otis in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. T F

93. I'm sorry I hurt you. T F

94. I've always wondered, what's the point of a hickey? T F

95. It is difficult to feel happy around all the sad and ridiculous horse-and-carriages they have downtown. T F

96. I wonder if other people sweat this much. T F

97. I have never been crowned Hanging '76 Little Britches Rodeo Queen. T F

98. Why are fathers so damn weird? T F

99. There's this one meaningless memory I've never been able to get out of my head. T F

100. Sometimes I think I may be attractive, but then I see myself under fluorescent lights. T F

101. I hate feeling stupid. T F

102. I find it difficult to respect my father and feel sad for him at the same time.T F

103. I'm looking for the right man. T F

104. In my senior year of high school I was absent 42 times. T F

105. It's some kind of miracle I've never had an STD. T F

106. Ethnic babies are "cuter" than Caucasian ones. T F

107. I really like when you call me Sugarfoot, Lickity Cricket, and Pie-Pie, but Hambone, not so much. T F

108. I'm thrilled about living in a country that regularly kills people. T F

109. Je suis une freak. T F

110. Honesty is important, especially in bed. T F

111. I don't believe people when they say, I don't know how it happened it just happened, or, I didn't mean to. T F

112. I wish the internet had been around when I was twelve years old. T F

113. Yes, I do think you're a genius. T F

114. I have only ever stolen money and office supplies. T F

115. Once, I masturbated sixteen times in one 24-hour period, but it stopped feeling good after about the sixth time. T F

116. Sex is not the least important part of a good marriage. T F

117. I always think I enjoy learning, but then I just get bored. T F

118. In theory and spirit, I'm a vegetarian, but I can't resist a good BLT.T F

119. I have wanted to say to my lover, Fuck me like you hate me. T F

120. I don't want things to end. T F

121. Sometimes I can't remember if something happened in a dream or real life. T F

122. I was surprised to find that not everyone appreciates honesty. T F

123. My top two requirements are funny and sexy. T F

124. Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this way. T F

125. I don't have an opinion about music, one way or another. T F

126. Sleep is better than most things. T F

127. Thank you for saying to me what you said when we both know you really didn't have to say anything at all. T F

128. There is a reason for all of this. T F

129. Who thought up this whole idea about milk being good for you? T F

130. After sex, I just want to go to sleep. T F

131. Experimentation with illegal drugs can be, in the long run, a very important positive experience. T F

132. No, I wouldn't say I think about sex too much. T F

133. I explained to Joel, this emotional genius thing means that when something is right, you're incapable of wanting things to be different, even if that means I can't ever have sex with him. T F

134. If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. T F

135. Podiatrists are the real doctors. T F

136. My father did his best. T F

137. I've had prescient dreams, and I think that means something. T F

138. There is such a thing as closure. T F

139. I really don't want to lie anymore, to anyone. T F

140. After I make something I get scared I'll never be able to make anything again.T F

141. I would rather be next, than first. T F

142. I should leave a little more to the imagination. T F

143. How come I'm not jealous of Amy, but I fucking hate that bitch Juniper? T F

144. Do you ever think your best moments have been when you've felt ecstatic and sad at the same time? T F

145. My one regret has been my inability to learn geography. T F

146. There are things about me I can't even tell you. T F

147. During the short time we had together, the thing I most remember is the beautiful way you coiled your big tattooed arm around me as we fell asleep. T F

148. When I'm single, I'm lonely but happy. T F

149. Our friendship gives me faith, whatever that is. T F

150. I promise not to have sex with your brother. T F

151. Coincidence is a wholly meaningless word, it's like saying UFO. T F

152. I can't seem to make myself shut up. T F

153. Sometimes you can love someone passionately without wanting to consummate things. T F

154. If I'd had a TV I would have never written this. T F

155. The secret to life is that there is no secret. T F

156. I like what you look like, loved. T F

157. Except for the stretch marks, I'm pretty happy about the way things have turned out. T F

158. I'm learning about discretion and how it can be a good thing. T F

159. Praise embarrasses me, not sex. T F

160. I want children but at this point I don't know how that's supposed to happen. T F

161. In any relationship, fear is corrosive. T F

162. Most people eat food that will eventually help to kill them. T F

163. You know what? It was fun. T F end story

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