The Classifieds staff has been keeping track

compiled by Brian Carr

Every office has its in-jokes and its in-jokers. Our advertising reps are funnnnny. Like Merv Griffin, Shecky Greene funny. We'll just keep these anonymous, but someone has been bothering to scribble these on a folder to keep track of them through the years.

1) "I bought some antibiotics online from India. I call them Mumbai-otics."

2) "It would be extremely hard, if not impossible, to belly dance with a colostomy bag."

3) Ad rep 1: "Did your computer say something weird when you started it?"

Ad rep 2: "Yes. It said, 'You're late.'"

4) "There must be foxes in Mexico; why else would they have a word for fox?"

5) "Steve Jobs is going to come out with a camera that watches us called the iEye."

6) Ad rep 1: (eating cold Chef Boyardee)

Ad rep 2: "Poor Jane; she was born with a silver spoon in her can."

7) "This job is like herpes: Once you get it, you can't get it again."

8) Ad rep 1: "I'm Native American"

Ad rep 2: "So when you go to restaurants, do you say, 'I have a reservation'?"

9) "You know what kind of job this is? It's the job you get so your parents stop nagging you."

10) "Shame; whenever she goes into her own little world, she gets arrested for illegal immigration."

11) Ad rep 1: "White-people enchiladas are so inferior!"

Ad rep 2: "That's OK. You people are good at some things, like oppression."

12) Ad rep 1: "Why are you hitting me?"

Ad rep 2: "I'm just trying to make you feel at home."

13) "I always wanted to marry the Wichita Lineman."

14) "I want to have a Cajun luau for my birthday so I can have a poi boi."

15) Ad rep 1: "I read about an actress who doesn't eat broccoli or spinach before the Oscars because they make her gassy."

Ad rep 2: "Yeah, one sneeze and she might find herself at the Emmys."

16) "Is that your underwire poking out? I thought the underwire was supposed to go under, not on top. Are you picking up an FM station?"

17) "She only shaves her legs from the knees down. Instead of a Brazilian, she gives herself a Peruvian."

18) Ad rep 1: "How do you get thrush?"

Ad rep 2: "I think she got it from accidentally brushing her teeth with Gyne-Lotrimin."

19) "You and I drink piña coladas; she drinks piña Klonopin."

20) Ad rep 1: "I ran into someone who was buying your Secret Santa gift!"

Ad rep 2: "Really? Where were you?"

Ad rep 1: "Lump o' Coal Warehouse"

21) "Chicken Kiev, also known as Chicken Chernobyl. It has the same effect on the body."

22) Ad rep 1: "Did you give up sex for Lent?"

Ad rep 2: "Yes, in 1983."

23) "If you love me, you'll choke me."

24) Ad rep 1: "October 19th! Why, that's my birthday."

Ad rep 2: "Was that BC or AD?"

25) "Hey, good news: Michele Bachmann's husband can make you straight. You won't have to tuck your shirts in anymore."

26) "He didn't send flowers; he sent a salad!"

27) "He's not having a meltdown, he just needs a smoke break, and I'm gonna give him a nicotine suppository."

28) "She is the only person I've ever seen trying to stuff a check in the Coke machine. A post-dated one!"

29) "It's called the Chronicle Classifieds Diet. You can't buy clothes, you can't eat ...."

30) "She is this department's historian because she's had more history than all of us combined. See, there she is over there documenting this conversation in heiroglyphics."