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Hornucopia

David Ash could be Bell County’s greatest gift to the ATX since Spoon

By Michael Corcoran, Fri., Oct. 5, 2012

Hornucopia
Courtesy of UT

Joe Bergeron burrowed into the first inch of the end zone with 29 seconds left for a 41-36 victory on the road Saturday against a tough Oklahoma State team, keeping the Longhorns undefeated. It was a disputed game-winner, as replays showed Joe the Mole may have fumbled before he crossed the plane. But there's no controversy whatsoever about Saturday's greatest revelation at T. Boone's Farm: Texas has found its quarterback!

We've been stuck on the side of the road for a long time, folks, but our ride is finally here. After two long seasons of futility behind center, the ghost of Garrett Gilbert has been exorcised and Colt McCoy has been replaced. A sophomore from Belton, David Ash could be Bell County's greatest gift to Austin since Spoon. Ash made the reads, made the throws and basically grew before our eyes, like Tootie from The Facts of Life.

Captain Clutch gained 304 yards through the air, completing 30 of 37 passes, none more crucial than a fourth-and-6 toss to well-covered tight end D.J. Grant over the middle for 29 yards with less than two minutes left. But even if that pass fell incomplete, Horns fans could rejoice.

We Have a QB!

But what happened to the vaunted UT defense? Our strength and liability done traded places. With coach Manny Diaz seemingly drawing up a 5-0-6 formation at times, the Horns were horrif-atrocious when Oklahoma State had the ball, giving up 576 yards, including 275 on the ground. The Horns were softer up the middle than Cee Lo Green with a tub of popcorn in his lap.

But every time OSU punched us, we hit back harder. Ash never lost his poise, converting third downs with a success rate of Jesse James scoring at an Insane Clown Posse concert.

The Horns also made history. With a 100-yard kickoff return for TD by D.J. Monroe making it 21-14, it marked the first time there were more touchdowns than GEICO commercials in the first quarter. Though they look like stoners, Ash and Jaxon Shipley connected on three TD passes for the game. Righteous points!

After football fundamentalist Malcolm "Xs and Os" Brown went out with an ankle injury, highly-touted freshman Johnathan Gray stepped in and gained 45 yards on the game-winning drive. And a "Holla Atcha Boy" (the ghetto game ball) goes to junior wide receiver Mike Davis, who dropped a perfect TD pass from the blonde Keanu earlier, but made good on his "Magic" nickname with a toss-up snatch at the 3 to keep the game from depending on Nick Jordan's moody foot.

Next up are new Big 12 rivals the West Virginia Mountaineers, who beat Baylor 70-63 on Geno Smith's eight touchdown passes and 14 rebounds. With Texas (No. 11) and WV (No. 8) both at 4-0, next week should be the most highly anticipated Texas home game since Ohio State came to Austin in 2006. Both schools' bands should duel on the theme from Deliverance, which is considered a documentary in West Virginia.

Last season, the Horns gift-wrapped the Heisman for RG3. This year, they hope to take it away from frontrunner Geno, one of several Mountaineers who took their talents from South Beach. But if Coach Diaz (who's also spent time in Miami when he was an extra in Scarface) throws Saturday's D-minus onto the field, they can go ahead and give Smith that statue with the pose I saw every time I tried to kiss a girl until about age 27. In Stillwater, Kenny Vaccaro – who recovered from losing his jock in the first quarter – Quandre Diggs, Alex Okafor, and Jackson Jeffcoat played well, but 47% of the entitled defense was standing around looking for the offense to bail them out.

But they'll play WV tighter than Baylor did. There were vegan food trailers in Appalachia less wide open than Smith's receivers. And how about Geno's delivery? If he doesn't throw a touchdown pass in 30 minutes or less, tickets to the next game are $3 off.

But none of that matters today. Go to the tiny balconies of your $350,000 condos, Austin, and shout it out for all to hear: Texas has a quarterback! Ten-plus-win seasons are here again. Cue up the Fleetwood Mac, 'cause after Saturday night's wire-to-wire thriller, I can't ... stop ... thinking about the next two and a half years.

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