How to Assemble Your Dan Patrick Mask

Illustration by Tim Doyle

Sometimes you just don't feel like showing your face. You've changed your name, but it's not enough. Maybe you're trying to avoid that old landlord you owe $384,000 in unpaid rent. Maybe you're in no mood to appreciate the irony that your book, titled The Second Most Important Book You Will Ever Read, can be bought for a penny on Amazon. Maybe you feel a little embarrassed by your tweet "MARRIAGE=ONE MAN & ONE MAN," since you're known for your strong anti-gay stance. Lucky for you, it's Halloween, the one time of year it's acceptable to hide behind a mask. Here's how you can:

1) Grab the latest issue of that liberal, blasphemous, left-wing rag, The Austin Chronicle. But make sure no pesky migrants got their hands on it first, because as you're well aware, they carry "invisible diseases."

2) Next, find a pair of scissors. If you can't locate one, simply dial up your direct line to ol' G-O-D and ask him to do you a solid. Having doubts about your power of persuasion? Remember, you're a right-wing radio personality – propaganda is your forte!

3) Then, cut along the face to distinctly separate the mask from the cover – remember, this isn't like church and state, so go crazy!

4) Cut out the eyes so no one has to see women making autonomous decisions about their bodies. Unfortunately, you haven't managed to end abortion altogether just yet.

5) Go ahead and cover the ears as well – you wouldn't want to be caught listening to a fact or belief you don't agree with.

6) Then strap it on. With your mask firmly in place, you're free to go forth and shout your opinions freely, without care or concern for what anyone else thinks!