Mask Instructions: Be Prince for a Night

At the Romney mansions, we usually leave these details to the gay decorators and the Latino housekeepers, but the campaign has its demands.

1) Call any of the subjects in your binder full of women to discuss their qualifications for doing this job for you.

2) Assuming they all turn you down, make a plan for how you're going to get the mask off the cover, but for god's sake, don't tell anyone what that plan is.

3) Tune in to Sesame Street to refresh your memory on how to properly and safely use scissors ... oh, wait.

4) Create a job offshore in Bangladesh for someone to cut out the mask along the dotted lines as indicated, at standard Bangladesh wage rates. Write the expense off (privately) on your income taxes. Never release those returns.

5) Have the mask placed in a binder and returned via nonunion mail services. Attach jeweled chains at either side. Hire a double to try it on and trigger any hidden booby traps.

6) Ignore all previous instructions, shake your Etch a Sketch, and move rapidly to the middle. Deny all previous instructions. Attack the mask-maker as one of the 47% of "takers not makers."

7) Head to some houses to trick-or-treat. No, really, either a trick or a treat will do. Maybe both. Don't worry about making up your mind.