April Fooles

Hear ye, hear ye! Come all you dolts, knaves, and curs of the Legislature, and bear witness unto the parade of fooles! See lollygaggers, jackanapes, and scoundrels of all ilk and manner dance and prattle for thine delectation! Looke unto ye "Pointe of Austin" for ye wise prognostications of one Michael King. – Richard Whittaker

Gov. Rick (Adios, MoFo!) Perry:
Foole No. 1

For a man known best for his luxurious bouffant and rumors about his love life, the Boy From Paint Creek has traveled a long way – although he finally seems to have hit a brick wall behind the gates of his West Lake rental mansion as "future presidential hopeful" Perry settles for being Gov. Goodhair. Much to the disappointment of Capitol journos hoping to follow Perry to D.C., his predecessor Dubya has wrecked the Texas presidential brand at the national ballot box for the foreseeable future. Hell, even Poppa Bush admits he's from Connecticut these days, and Perry's old election cornerman Rob Johnson and Machiavelli-for-hire Dave Carney have defected to Newt Gingrich. Seriously, when your friends dump you for the guy who handed the U.S. House to the Democrats in 1998, that's gotta hurt. But if you can't run a real country, just pretend you do. Posturing like Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg while the Capitol burns, Mr. 10th Amendment snubbed federal funds for unemployment and education, then snapped and growled over the Rainy Day Fund like a suburban coyote, all the while grandstanding about state's rights. He may not win any Republican presidential primaries (or popularity contests), but he's our nominee for Foole of the Year! – Michael King & R.W.

Rep. Debbie Riddle, R-Houston: Foole for Terror Babies

Not content to merely embarrass thinking Texans, the rep who first made her mark with her "pit of hell" speech added insult to injury last August by going on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 to warn the nation of the "terror baby" plot. She claimed "former FBI agents" had told her that foreigners were exploiting U.S. laws by having babies here, with plans to take them back overseas for terrorist training, and then, using their citizenship, return and blow us up. She seemed stunned when Cooper actually demanded evidence. She demurred and whined that CNN's producers "didn't tell me you were going to grill me for the specific information." But let's applaud Riddle for staunchly defending our borders and jobs from illegal immigrants – unless they happen to be the gardeners or maids of the wealthy. One of her immigration bills included a "Laundry Loophole," making it illegal to hire undocumented aliens unless it's for "work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence." Because, hey, a cleaning woman would never set off a dirty bomb. – Lee Nichols

Sports Mouth Dan Neil, R-Nowhere: Wannabe Foole

Oh, the excitement in the Capitol press corps when Dan Neil announced he was challenging Austin Dem Rep. Donna Howard. A former Longhorn and ex-Denver Bronco running for the Legislature? The sports metaphors would write themselves. Instead, the highly touted Neil got a flag on his first play when he claimed that Howard had made his employers at 104.9FM The Horn take him off the air. What really happened was that the local ESPN radio affiliate put him on backroom duty, rather than giving equal airtime to his opponent. But station chiefs might as well have left Neil in the drive-time slot. His campaign stalled, much to the chagrin of his supporters, who wondered where their contender had gone. The former footballer only really took the field in overtime, mounting a four-month election challenge that always seemed more driven by the Travis County Republican Party and its attorneys than by the candidate. Now the GOP is left wondering whether a better or simply more active candidate could have taken the district – which will be completely redrawn before the next election anyway. – R.W.

Rep. Aaron Peña, R-Edinburg:
Foole as Climber

Democrats were initially furious when the Rio Grande Valley rep defected to the GOP. Then they thought for a moment and considered: "Hah! Your problem now, suckers!" A notorious no-show over the years for controversial votes, Peña had been teasing his switch via his Twitter account for months. Neder­land's Allan Ritter scuppered his chance at glory by jumping ship first, giving the GOP its 100-seat, chub-proof supermajority. But the party switch was not about headlines or changing principles, Peña said: It was just about ensuring that his constituents had a real seat at the table. So far, his rewards have included an inexplicable chairmanship to the House Tech­nology Committee – because, er, he has a Twitter account. (That can't be right. That was it? Really? Oh, and a blog, too. OK.) With Democrats already sizing up challengers to take him out in the 2011 general election, the big question around the Capitol is: How will the GOP draw a congressional district around the ambitious Peña? The Texas Legislature's own Falstaff proves that even fooles can approach the crown. – R.W.

Rep. Leo Berman, R-Tyler: Birther Foole

Apparently in order to feed national stereotypes of Lone Star buffoonery, Berman first presented a bill that would bar the secretary of state from allowing a presidential candidate on the Texas ballot unless he or she "has presented the candidate's original birth certificate indicating that the person is a natural-born United States citizen." He then went on Anderson Cooper 360 in November 2010 to repeat the discredited "birther" line, questioning whether President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. When Cooper asked where Berman got his "facts," the rep said it was "common knowledge." In another great debating mismatch, Berman went against Dallas Democrat Rafael Anchía on KXAN-TV to debate immigration, which somehow devolved into Berman referring to school bullying problems as "a gay-lesbian-transvestite issue." You can find the actual KXAN and CNN videos online to see Berman spar with Cooper and Anchía, but it's more fun to just look up the old Monty Python skit in which boxer Ken Clean-Air Systems repeatedly punches a little girl.
– L.N.

Rep. Dan Flynn, R-Canton: Foole
in a Burqa

If Texas politics is a full-contact sport, then the good representative for Canton has had a long and honorable career as a midcard talent. This session, he's finally found a major role: releasing press release after press release parroting the conservative talking point of the day. Feb. 24: Opponents of forced fetal ultrasounds have "denied information to women" seeking abortions. March 8: Texas is not teaching kids enough about the U.S. Constitution. March 9: Anyone working in a school who is not a teacher is just part of "layer after layer of bureaucracy." March 18: Bringing guns into campus classrooms and dorms makes everyone safer. But nothing quite beats his Feb. 11 claim that Mansfield Independent School District is forcing kids to learn Arabic. Ignoring the fact that this was never true, Flynn went on to portray the Arabic world as nothing but dogmatic, fire-breathing mullahs who hate all things secular. Without breaking stride, he took a wild leap into Alex Jones country. This was not about teaching kids a foreign language. Instead, it was indoctrination: "Many have contended," he wrote, "that this is an attempt by the federal government to 'sensitize' our children to this culture." It's just like Red Dawn – but with burqas! – R.W.

Rep. Sid Miller, R-Stephenville: Feral Hogs to Fetuses Foole

During the 2009 legislative session, Sid Miller's claim to fame was his primary authorship of a controversial measure to let people pay to shoot feral hogs from helicopters. How far he's come in just one session's time! This year, while Miller is still hunting wild animals (the bill is back for another go-round), he has also set his sights on Texas' women, specifically their uteri, as the House carrier of a bill to mandate an extra ultrasound examination for every woman seeking an abortion (since ultrasound prior to abortion is the standard of care, the bill would actually require women to undergo a second probing, transvaginal procedure). Not that Miller knows how an ultrasound is performed, mind you – he could not answer that question, posed by his colleague, Rep. Carol Alvarado, D-Houston, during floor debate on the matter – but that hasn't stopped him from insisting that this bill is a righteous one that will save lives. While his hog bill died in committee in part because of concerns about its humaneness, Miller's own version of compassion and humanity was certainly on display with his votes against floor amendments that would create exemptions to the exam for women pregnant as a result of rape or incest or who are facing life-threatening medical conditions. – Jordan Smith

Sen. Dan 'The Probe' Patrick, R-Houston: Posturing Foole

It is no secret that Dan Patrick is a poser: The three-term senator is still happy to remind folks that his first legislative success was to have the motto "In God We Trust" placed at the front of the Senate chamber. He has ingratiated himself with Gov. Goodhair as a "prime mover" behind tax cuts for businesses and, ironically, as a conservative who has worked "tirelessly" toward less government and "more freedom for our citizens," as Perry has said of him. Of course, the expansion of freedoms seems to matter only for men and the unborn: This is the third session that Pat­rick has carried the ultrasound-before-abortion bill, a measure he contends is necessary in order to ensure women provide "informed" consent to abortion. Forget that the bill mandates government intrusion into the lives of thousands of women, or that it seeks to constrict reproductive freedoms for all women. That certainly matters less than the freedom of the unborn, right? In Patrick's defense, it's important to note that his bill contains more protections for women than does Rep. Sid Miller's version in the House. Still, those exceptions are tenuous at best (claims of rape or incest must be documented, for example), and Patrick's insistence, along with Goodhair's, that this bill's passage is somehow more pressing and important than dealing with the state's massive deficit is, at best, insane. – J.S.

Honorable Mentions

Sen. Troy Fraser, R-Horseshoe Bay Ill-Advised Foole: Fraser might be the author of Senate Bill 14, the voter ID bill that recently passed both houses, but that doesn't mean he knows what's in it. When Democrats questioned him repeatedly on the Senate floor on specifics of the bill's contents and possible effects on the citizenry, Fraser replied over and over, "I am not advised." Eventually, Dems began responding, "But it's your bill!" – L.N.

Rep. Borris Miles, D-Houston – Foole Me Twice: Talk about revolving doors: The man who replaced fellow Democrat Al Edwards – who replaced Miles in 2009 after Miles replaced him in 2007 – is back. The returning House District 146 one-term Democratic incumbent hasn't done anything foolish yet, but considering that in 2007 he removed paintings from an exhibit and hid them in his office and shot a guy who was stealing plumbing supplies from his house, there's still time. – R.W.

Former Rep. Kino Flores, D-Palmview – 100% Foole: Oh no, Kino! The Valley Demo­crat known as Mr. Ten Percent was sentenced to five years probation for ethics violations, but state law meant he kept his seat until his term expired in January. Guess it was taxpayers who were left looking foolish. – R.W.