Politics Gift Guide Part II

George W. Bush Toilet Paper ($9.99)

I know what you're thinking: "G.W. T.P.? Too good to be true. Must be a fictional gift idea." No siree; it's as real as the stuff it's made for, and is available locally at Waterloo Records, or check out www.prankplace.com, where you'll also find squares dedicated to the mugs of Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Rosie O'Donnell, and Rush Limbaugh. If you like the concept but want more options, take a look at www.jeremyinc.com, where you can order custom-made rolls. Careful who you send Christmas-card photos out to. Never know where they might end up. – Cheryl Smith

Ghostcross Mall (not for sale)

For the scrappy little neighborhood association in your life, we recommend you purchase the entire city block bounded by Anderson Lane, Burnet Road, and Northcross Drive and install a pedestrian-friendly, transit-oriented development that won't draw a lot of traffic from outside the neighborhood and houses local businesses rather than big-box bullies. – Lee Nichols

Tom Craddick Brand Ev-R-Lasting Gavel

What do you get the House speaker in your life who just won't quit? This handy administrative hammer can bang, bang, bang all day, drowning out any note of dissent from the floor. Choice of colors: Comes in La La La Not Listening Lilac and My House, My Rules Maroon. Also available in disposable Deputy Speaker model. – Richard Whittaker

The Austin Scandal Shrinker (by A.S.S. Associates Inc.)

Illustration by Doug Potter

Whether it's a nepotistic hiring, Convention Center shenanigans, a sweetheart contract setting up the (since-shuttered) Austin City Store, or a good old-fashioned conflict of interest, there's been no shortage of scandal at City Hall this year – so what better gift for compromised city officials than the Austin Scandal Shrinker? It downplays unseemly revelations with any one of 25 tsk-tsking phrases, all suitable for Statesman publication – alternately pleading ignorance, circling the wagons, or imploring, "Don't make this a political issue." Still catching flak? Crank the A.S.S. to "Extreme Obfuscation," and watch as the civic conversation turns to inane political-identity matters – like loan terms for moving a popular Mexican restaurant or the merits of a nationally despised big-box retailer opening a new location – then chuckle as they suck the air out of your controversy. Perfect for the politico that has everything ... and Aus­tin's informed voting populace. – Wells Dunbar

U.S.-Mexico Border Wall Snow Globe (price yet to be assessed)

Illustration by Doug Potter

"Crystal ball" is likely a more apt term for this dark orb, which not only snows but sleets mud when you shake it. Give it to your favorite border-wall supporter as a warning. We mailed one to John Cornyn. Happy holidays, Senator. – C.S.