The Hightower Report

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GARBLED TRANSLATIONS

The only "D" I got in college was in my French class. I should've gotten an "F," but I think the professor feared that if he failed me, I might take his class again.

So I'm in no position to criticize anyone who's trying to grapple with foreign-language translations. Therefore, I say "blessings on you" to the Chinese government for trying to tidy up the many mistranslations that occur when Chinese meets English.

Their impetus is next year's summer Olympics in China, when half-a-million foreigners will arrive in their land, many of them English-speaking. Some of China's public signs and menus already have English translations, but … well, they're a bit mangled. For example, they won't get many visitors to "Racist Park," unless they find a better term to describe this theme park, which extols China's minority cultures.

Also, few will want to have a plate of "Crap in the Grass" – until the menu is reworded to read, "Carp in the Grass." Likewise, many will pause before ordering "Pockmarked Grandma Chen's Tofu." Might be tasty … but let's rethink the wording.

Then there's a sign at a popular tourist site that offers contorted instructions: "Coming and going in turn and don't stretch out your head to watch please." Polite … but, what does it mean? Another sign warns of a wet floor: "The Slippery Are Very Crafty." Actually, if that was placed on the floors of the U.S. Capitol building, we Americans would understand it perfectly and be on guard against lurking lobbyists.

Not only are the Chinese going all out to get their English right on signs and menus, they are also attempting to teach 300 English phrases to 48,000 taxi drivers. Can you imagine trying to teach Chinese to American taxi drivers?

So we have no room to laugh at garbled translations abroad. In fact, we Texans have a hard time speaking the English language – just ask George W.

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ANOTHER WAR IN IRAQ

Ready for Bush's next war in Iraq?

Already our troops are fighting both Sunni insurgents and Shiite militias in their Islamic civil war, and the troops are battling al Qaeda terrorists, who weren't even in Iraq until George W. drew them in. With three fronts under way, we really don't need a fourth.

We're about to get it anyway, though, because several other factions are on the brink of going at one another in Kirkuk, a city in Northern Iraq. On one side are the Kurds, who have well-armed, battle-seasoned militias ready to fight for the land they claim as their own. The Kurds have been America's allies, and they have set up their own government in the north that essentially is autonomous from the Iraqi regime in Baghdad.

On the other side are the Arabs, who moved into the Kurdish zone years ago and now claim it as their own. They, too, are heavily armed and – follow the bouncing ball here – are backed by two other players in the area: the Turkmen and the government of neighboring Turkey, which is fighting a Kurdish independence movement inside its own borders. The Arabs, Turkmen, and Turkish also have been America's allies.

Literally underlying this explosive ethnic imbroglio is one of the world's largest oil reserves, which means Big Oil has a keen interest in "winning" – whatever that involves. To add to the nasty potential, Iran also cares very much about this fight and has deployed security forces to the border it shares with the Kurdish zone.

Meanwhile, the Iraqi constitution that the Bushites cobbled together contains a provision requiring a referendum on the future of Kirkuk by year's end. Whether the vote makes it part of the Kurdish zone or part of the government in Baghdad, the other side promises to go to war to stop it.

Thanks, George, for a war that just keeps metastasizing, further endangering our troops. Proof again that the Bushites did not have a clue what they were getting us into.