The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,
Should people even get married anymore?
– Ricky

Absolutely not, Ricky, marriage is for spineless paranoiacs with low self-esteem. It’s a bullshit gender dominance mind-fuck dreamed up by the patriarchy. I want to believe, Ricky, that you are too smart and self-assured to buy into an ancient institution created by a bunch of slave-owning, genital-mutilating, agrarian polygamists primarily to ensure property succession. You’re better than that.

You seem like the kind of guy who is secure enough to know that loving someone doesn’t give you the right to limit their behavior in any way. You know that jealousy and possessiveness are just the signs of a weak and underdeveloped consciousness. That old adage, “If you love something, set it free” doesn’t just apply to your relationships, it applies to your progeny as well. Come to think of it, the term “progeny” is just another patriarchal control device designed to perpetuate male dominance.

The mere fact that you hosed down some woman’s babymaker with your DNA doesn’t give you the right to boss her children around or turn their pee-pees into mushroom caps. Those kids don’t “belong” to anyone but themselves, and no one/everyone has the responsibility to raise them and nurture them and keep them from becoming Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, or an OU Sig Ep.

Some of us, however (and I am not naming names), have not reached your level of enlightenment. Some of us get a little jel at the thought of random dudes boning our old ladies or teaching our children the wrong way to roll up an extension cord. We’re also a bit partial to the idea that someone thinks enough of us to at least feign a lifetime commitment - or feels guilty enough about societal conventions that they might try just a little harder to endure our huge laundry list of quirks (and let’s face it, serious flaws) and actually try to work things out.

Lastly, we know that being married offers certain tax advantages and legal rights not available to single people – more than a thousand at the federal level alone. Yes, the government is telling single people they can suck it. I share your outrage. This is the reason gays are protesting to be allowed to marry – not because they think they would look fabulous in a Versace knockoff wedding dress.

So here’s my advice: People should get married if they want to, but they should understand that marriage isn’t some mystical cure-all for the mentally unstable. In fact, it’s probably as likely to cause mental instability and strife as it is to cure it. It does, however, have undeniable legal advantages which also come with corresponding legal entanglements, so if you’re going to tie the knot, make sure that’s what you really want to do. Or how about this: Marriage is like a tattoo: You can get it removed, but it’s painful and leaves an ugly scar – so make sure it’s something you really, really want.