The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,
I don’t know if this applies to your area of specialty, but here goes: I work with a woman who is a total bitch to everyone in the office except for her friend, who is our manager. She talks on her phone all day, pushes her work off on everyone else, and has verbally attacked people on numerous occasions. She has personally called me names in front of other office workers and criticized me in front of customers. I talked to HR about it, but nothing was done. I was told I was the only woman in our office who had complained. Now I am seriously beginning to dread going to work. I would go to HR again, but I am afraid nothing would be done and I would be treated even worse. What should I do?
– High Anxiety

I usually don’t recommend this kind of thing, but it’s late and I have been dipping into the tequila I hide in my file cabinet, so here goes: You need to punch that bitch in the throat. I know there is probably a company policy that prohibits punching another employee in the throat (and I can guarantee you it’s prohibited in the Texas Penal Code), but as you have clearly exhausted all possibilities for reasonable redress of your grievances, it’s time to go Billyjack.

That means don’t telegraph your punch. Don’t bow up like a drunk frat boy or do any of that Karate-Kid crane-pose shit. Just walk up very calmly and punch that bitch in the throat. That way it won’t seem like you’re really pissed off or butt hurt about something she did or said. You know how the saying goes: The loudest voice always has the weakest argument. Make sure whatever verbal barb you serve up with your fist sammy comes out low and menacing – like an elementary school librarian waging jihad on a giggle pod.

If you get all emo, you’re possibly looking at felony assault charges and state time. You don’t want state time. Orange is not the new black. It’s the shittiest shade of gray. In fact, if you do state time you’re going to need more in your skill set than a good throat punch. You’re going to really need to polish your diplomacy skills. OK, scratch the throat punch idea. That was the tequila talking. The rest of that advice is solid though.

Right now you are fully immersed in the role of the victim. You are wallowing in your helplessness and because helplessness demands no action, it can go on forever – like a bad case of toe fungus. Therefore, stop thinking of yourself as a victim. Think of yourself as a person with choices – one of which (and a very bad one in retrospect) is to punch that bitch in the throat. Make your choice and carry it out. Know that there will be consequences. Know that you have chosen to accept them. That’s a powerful thing. Stay calm. Take action. Be fearless.