The Luv Doc
Where is Dan Savage?
First of all, Santorum, let me just state for the record that Dan Savage is a true gentleman, a man of letters (and words and paragraphs, even), a devoted father, and an American patriot. If I wasn’t busy mercy-killing rats out by the Dumpster (which, if I may be brutally honest, is nearly overflowing with rodent corpses and unreviewed hipster bluegrass CDs), I would be swinging from a harness on the side Mount Rushmore chiseling Dan Savage’s beautiful visage into its immortal granite. Yes, such is my reverence for Dan and his formidable oeuvre.
I can imagine how disappointing it must be to see my idiotic mug grinning at you from the back of the paper each week. You probably intuited long ago that I lack any bona fides whatsoever. Actually, to be fair, I do have a dusty English degree from the U of T and a creative writing award plaque from the Norman League of Pen Women, circa 1983. It used to hang proudly in the shower curtain-enclosed broom closet I occupy deep in the bowels of the Chronicle, but the insistent heat and humidity melted the adhesive used to affix the brass nameplate to the award, so I swapped out the plaque for a wood-framed picture of Jesus riding naked (except for a pair of fur-lined boots) carrying a frothy mug of beer over a field of skulls on a unicorn. The wood frame is cheap, but the picture is fucking priceless.
So yes, I share your distrust of myself. There is much I do not know. For instance: My knowledge of analingus is abominably sparse. Call me unworldly I guess, but I don’t feel I would be able to weigh in on that subject with the authority of a Savage. Don’t get me wrong, I would be fully willing to explore that topic rhetorically, but as for actual experience, I am not your go-to guy. Let’s just get that out there for the record: I am not an authority on analingus. You can quote me on that.
Let’s go a little further than that even. I am not an authority on anything. I might be willing to weigh in on the whole seal-penguin rape controversy, but only in a snarky, non-substantive way that would annoy real scientists and offend penguin rights activists. Besides, I think we can both agree that subject alone is worth 3 or 4 billion words and I need to wrap this deal up in less than 500. Let’s just quietly accept the fact that humans no longer hold the crown for freakiest interspecies rapists. How do you think unicorns happened anyway?
But to answer your question, the reason Dan Savage’s column doesn’t appear in the Chronicle is that Dan lives in Seattle and we still don’t have electronic deposit. There. Satisfied?
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