The Luv Doc

The Luv Doc


Howdy Doc,
So, I was sitting at what I thought was just your average Tex-Mex joint that I've been to a hundred times when, the other day, I actually overheard someone say the words "we're gonna need a bigger gerbil." Time stopped. I could see people’s mouths moving, but heard no sounds. Everything was in slow motion. A few tequila shots later, and the catatonic death grip on my brain relaxed a bit and logic began to form. Do I inform the manager? The owner? Animal control? Shouldn't there be some sort of emergency procedure we learn from childhood to follow in situations of this sort?
- Never Be the Same

Never, I don’t want to make you self-conscious, but if you thought the size of your gerbil was perfectly adequate, think again. Different people have different needs. Each one of us is a perfect snowflake, yes, but perfection, much like imperfection, is infinite in its iterations. So, while it might seem to you that your gerbil would work for everyone, it won’t. Some people are size queens when it comes to gerbiling. They like to test the limits of what is possible. They are, for lack of a more descriptive phrase, the Chuck Yeagers of gerbiling. They are pushing the envelope.

Apparently, you are not a Chuck Yeager. It’s obvious you don’t like to go outside your comfort zone. How do I know this? Here’s how. You have been to an average Tex-Mex joint a hundred times. That is an impressive commitment to mediocrity. You live in a town with literally hundreds (OK, maybe tens) of great Tex-Mex joints. Cross the goddamned river, man. It’s not like they’re going to murder you and hang you from a bridge on the other side.

Lastly, there is an emergency procedure you should follow when your entire belief system is challenged. You should have learned it in childhood, but here it is now. First: Always question your belief system. Second: A belief system is not the real world. Third: The real world changes and so, inevitably, will your belief system.

Understanding the above is key to your intellectual and spiritual evolution and vital to our survival as a species. I know that’s some really heavy shit to lay on you when your mind’s already blown, but that’s sort of the point. Your chosen pseudonym, whether you were conscious of it or not, pretty much sums up the human condition. My advice: Get used to it.

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