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The Luv Doc

Thanks, SCOTUS

Thanks, SCOTUS
It’s high time somebody weighed in on this whole Hobby Lobby/Supreme Court/birth control thing, isn’t it? Might as well be the Luv Doc. That kid who wrote me about his flatulent girlfriend can just cool his jets for another week or two. Buy a bottle of Renuzit, you whiny little fuck. I have bigger fish to fry. This week I’m going after those jihadists on the Supreme Court.

First of all, Americans should be highly suspicious of people walking around in robes. Robes spell trouble: White robes, black robes, vestments … you name it. It’s the third goddamned millennium, Friar Tuck. Get with the program. You’re one black tablecloth away from a burka. That is not how Americans roll. We wear our polo shirts tucked in even if the fat rolls completely over our big brass buckles. We wear sleeveless shirts and jorts and daisy dukes and sometimes nothing at all because it’s 2am and we’re drunk and we jumped the fence to go skinny dipping in the Elks Lodge pool.

Robes are for people trying to get past security checkpoints wearing suicide vests. Robes are what racist dumbasses wear while burning crosses. A robe is how you signal to the rest of the world that you drank the Kool-Aid. Other than discreetly being able to play pocket pool, robes are impractical. You can’t ride an escalator in a robe. You can’t get to the Cinnabon shop on the second level wearing a robe. That shit will get caught in the escalator and the cogs of commerce will grind to a halt while the security guard on the three-wheeled fake Segway whirs over to try to untangle you. Unless you’re Hugh Fucking Hefner, robes make no goddamned sense at all.

So, I guess it shouldn’t be much of a surprise when the judiciary comes up with some hairbrained shit. They’re not Hugh Hefner, either. On Monday, they opened a Pandora’s box of ridiculous lawsuits by saying that a corporation can choose which Federal laws it will follow based on its religious views. I would love to say this is great news for Rastafarians, Satanists, Muslims, Scientologists, and polygamist Mormons, but more than likely it is only going to create a clusterfuck of bizarre, faith-based litigation.

Thanks, SCOTUS, you’ve really tossed a huge turd in the judicial punchbowl. No longer does a litigant have to bear the burden of proof, only the burden of belief, and as history has proven time and again, people will believe just about anything. Let the craziness begin!

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to luvdoc@austinchronicle.com, or check out the Luv Doc Archive.

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