The Luv Doc
A Drinking Solution
Where do you go to drink? And what do you drink when you do? Inquiring minds want to know.
If I have learned anything in life, Sancho, it’s that you don’t really need to go somewhere to drink. It’s probably healthier if you do, though. Like just about any other respectable drug on the planet, alcohol is meant to be shared. This is not to say that alcohol can’t be enjoyed in solitude. It most certainly can. Like masturbation, drinking by yourself can be quite splendid, but if you start making it a habit, it’s kind of pathetic. Don’t even get me started on masturbating while drinking. Experiencing whiskey dick with a supermodel is embarrassing, true, but experiencing whiskey dick while masturbating is just really sad. Old Yeller sad. That’s what you call a drinking problem.
That said, it’s really nice to sit on my balcony and watch the sunset and the road-raging rush hour traffic while contemplating the duality of man with a tall glass of Jameson on ice. Whiskey should be sipped slowly unless you’re having a rotten tooth pulled by a deranged roughneck with a pair of pliers. I guess that sort of goes without saying, doesn’t it?
Generally, however, I am a social drinker – although maybe not social enough to get my picture in Tribeza. I blame my friends. They’re quick-witted and funner than a barrel of goddamned monkeys, but we spend a disturbing amount of time drinking 24-ounce Bud Light tallboys out of paper sacks while sitting on the retaining wall behind the C-Mart by Onion Creek. I wouldn’t expect Tribeza to be out there. It’s really trashy. Literally. I always expect to see an Indian chief crying when I look over my shoulder. There are spent condoms, cigarette butts, random pieces of clothing, and empty boxes of Natty Light scattered all over the place. It’s what I imagine Baghdad looked like after the draw down. I’m thirsty for a beer right now.
My go-to drink, though, is tequila. Specifically Gran Centenario Reposado. Drinking tequila is like driving around in a dented-up 1982 Chevy Caprice: Deserved or not, people keep tequila drinkers at a respectful distance. They assume some shit is about to go down at any minute. I like that element. I also like the fact that Gran Centenario, when consumed with the proper amount of Topo Chico and lime, makes my mornings hangover free. That’s not a drinking problem, that’s a drinking solution.