The Luv Doc

The Luv Doc


Dear Luv Doc,
I can never think of what to buy my wife for Christmas, and when I ask her, she says she has everything she needs. It’s true. When she needs something, she buys it. What do you get for someone who has everything?
- Thoughtless

That’s easy, Thoughtless, just get her what she wants: A billionaire husband who looks like Taylor Kitsch. She already has what she needs: you. No offense, but you’re kind of like duct tape on a radiator hose: necessary but not optimal. Clearly you’re getting the job done, so kudos on that. She can limp down the road until she gets to her final destination, but wouldn’t it be great if she could blaze her way there in a Lamborghini Veneno?

If you don’t know what that is, Duct Tape, let me tell you. It is the most expensive car in the world. It clocks in at $3.9 million. Yes, dollars. I would tell you to buy one, but the only three ever made have already been sold – probably to really thoughtful billionaires who look like Taylor Kitsch and really care about their wives. You can order one, but it’s not going to be on your doorstep by Christmas – not even with Amazon Prime.

Truth is, there is a pretty decent chance that your wife doesn’t even want a Veneno for Christmas. I know that sounds completely insane, but there are some people for whom the thought of owning an outrageously expensive, high performance, luxury sports car does absolutely nothing. Usually those are people who can’t afford one. They’re also called liars, but I don’t want to get into name-calling. After all, it’s the holidays! For all I know your wife doesn’t even know how to drive.

If you’re lucky (and I hope you are), she’s into something more pedestrian … like Beanie Babies … or seashell art … or crochet. That shit is off the hook, yo! (someone should crochet a sweater that says that). Anyway, the point is that if you don’t know what your wife is into, you need to figure that shit out. You’re probably going to have to talk to her … or at the very least her children (works for me) … and find out what gets her excited then go and get something that feeds that excitement – even if it means hiring a Taylor Kitsch look-alike (or Taylor himself if that’s how strong you roll) to pose for her sculpture class wearing a baby oil greased vinyl banana-hammock. Texas forever.

The bottom line is this: You need to communicate with your wife and find out what it is that truly gives her pleasure and then somehow make it happen. That’s what thoughtfulness is. I’ll be honest with you though: I’m fucking miserable at it, but I have high hopes for you, Duct Tape, very high hopes.

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