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Cock-Blocking da Skeezers

Cock-Blocking da Skeezers
Dear Luv Doc,
Every time I go to da club and try to pick up da skeezers, my wife jumps right in and says "No way, Jose!" This makes me extremely angry, because I have told her time and time again that, just because I'm Mexican, doesn't mean she gets to call me derogatory names. In addition, this form of cockblocking proves to be most effective as da skeezers tend to not want as much drama as their reputation carries. My question is, how do I get her to respect the fact that a man's name is most important to him, even when attempting to add another cookie to his cookie jar.
Sincerely, Cocoa VanderBeak

Cocoa, my advice to you is to divorce your wife and devote all your time and energy to getting an education. You’ll need to start at a very elementary level. I am thinking pre-K might be good for you. The mere fact that you consistently misspelled a simple article like “the” tells me you are heartbreakingly undereducated. You don’t even seem to understand that “No way, Jose!” is just an extraordinarily cliched figure of speech and not a derogatory racial slur - although I will freely admit that “You’re loco, Cocoa” might have been a more interesting, assonant phrasing (sorry to talk over your head with that assonance thing, Cocoa, I was merely … oh, never mind). The point is, I know your lack of erudition might be tough on you, but I can’t even begin to imagine how hellish it must be for your wife. Her embarrassment is probably overwhelming. My bet is that she isn’t trying to cockblock you at all, but rather, she is trying to save herself from the shame of allowing you out in public unchaperoned.

Try to see things from your wife’s perspective, Cocoa: Every time you go to “da club” and open your mouth, it reflects badly on her, regardless of whether you pick up a skeezer or not. In fact, my bet is that your wife’s greatest fantasy is that you run off with a skeezer to some remote location, like the Bikini Atoll. That does sound fun, doesn’t it?

Make it happen, Cocoa. Make it happen. Do your wife a favor and free her from the misery of being associated with you in any way. She’s probably one of those Bob Vila/Mother Teresa types when it comes to relationships – always looking for some looming catastrophe she thinks she can fix. Cut her off cold turkey. It will be a total win-win. You get your skeezers, she gets her dignity back. Plus, she won’t be around all the time besmirching your good name and blocking what I can only imagine is a very impressive cock attached to a huge dickhead. What skeezer wouldn’t want a piece of that action?

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