Bad news Sherman: As far as traffic goes, this is the low season. In a couple of weeks SXSW will start. That means the city of Austin will initiate a whole slew of road/utility projects in the downtown area that will require the narrowing/blocking off of most passable thoroughfares. Mix in SXSW street closures, parking lot day party pedestrian overflow, whorishly sign-wrapped utility vehicles parked at odd angles to maximize visibility, and the odd four-story Doritos Extreme® tower of wasteful marketing excess and you have yourself a traffic flow situation that closely resembles Elvis' colon on the morning of August 16, 1977.

Insider’s tip: Ditch the car and walk. That doesn’t mean people won’t swerve into you while texting; it just makes it a much less dangerous situation. In fact, during SXSW people are constantly texting – often in the middle of a conversation with someone right in front of them. I could explain this phenomenon to you, Sherman, but you might need a degree in Music Marketing from UTSA to understand it. … And yes, that really is a degree at UTSA. It’s probably taught by a guy who used to be a booker at Headhunters.

The important thing to remember is that when you see someone dressed in skinny jeans and an ironic T-shirt wander aimlessly into oncoming traffic on Congress Avenue, it doesn’t mean he’s a fucking idiot. It probably just means he’s responding to a hilarious comment on the photo he posted on Facebook of the gristly street fajita he had for dinner.

So why doesn’t Austin have a ban on texting? Here’s why: Because we would rather be silenced by the grim reaper than by The Man. And yes, there will undoubtedly be occasions when we will have to scrape a preschooler off the brush guard of a King Ranch Expedition because … well …. LOLcats … but at least our First Amendment rights won’t be abridged by the safety Nazis. So, my advice to you is to stay paranoid and drive a shittier car.