This one’s right up my alley, Dumbo, because I am usually the windbag on the other side of the table and caffeine makes me really chatty. Put you and me in a room together with a pitcher of iced tea and a pack of spearmint gum and chances are you will have murdered me within the hour. Coffee? Get the fuck out of here. All it takes is one long pull off a Vente Doubleshot and my heart starts racing like a hummingbird’s. Besides, if I am going to do drugs, caffeine is pretty ghetto anyway. I’d rather take a pull off a crack pipe, huff some nitrous, or maybe take a huge dip of Copenhagen. Regardless of how bad it makes you want to vom, that shit really satisfies – says so right there on the can. It also says “This product may cause mouth cancer.” Coffee should come with a warning like that – one that says, “This product may cause mouth diarrhea,” because coffee is like a truth serum for boring people.
That said, it is absolutely reasonable of you to expect your friend to be as bored by your yammering as you are of hers – tit for tat, so to speak. After all, you’re human just like everybody else. Things happen to you. Sure, you may not live a fascinatingly debauched life like Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, or Bob Cole, but you surely have your high points. So here’s the deal: There is a good chance your friend doesn’t even realize she is being a self-absorbed blowhard. Who better to hear that from than one of her oldest and dearest friends?
Next time she invites you to have coffee, tell her as sincerely as you can that you would like for her to let you speak occasionally and actually listen to what you have to say. If that doesn’t work, take her to the White Horse and do tequila shots. It might not shut her up, but at least you’ll have fun.