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Douchebaggery

Douchebaggery
LuvDoc,
I am really, really tired of people using the word douchebag all the time. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to have to think about douches or douching or the bags used to do it. Can you please back me up on this? There must be a better word.
- Done with Dbag

Roger that, DwDb! As a good friend of mine likes to say frequently and within hearing range of school children and members of the clergy, “The vagina is a self-cleaning organ.” There’s no need to go splashing vinegar around down there unless you’re making pickles, and nobody wants to baste a cucumber long enough for that to happen. Who has the time?

Really, as a pejorative descriptive metaphor, douchebag is pretty tame. After all, it simply refers to the bag that retains the cleansing fluid – either water or a mixture of water and vinegar or some other form of disinfectant. In French, douche simply means, “shower.” Sticks and stones, right?

If I am going to blow my vulgarity chit, I would much rather go with something like “asswipe” or “fuckstain” or “Limbaugh.” Yes, all of the preceding are perhaps even more repugnant than “douchebag,” but at least they don’t pussyfoot around with some antiquated notion of feminine hygiene – albeit with a fancy French name. Then there’s the whole notion of avoiding profanity entirely. Yeah, right. Fuck that shit.

I know what you’re probably thinking about now: “What a huge fucking Limbaugh this guy is! Three paragraphs later and he still hasn’t suggested a replacement for the word douchebag!” Lighten up, DwDb! I’m on your team. Maybe you and I should get this ball rolling by eliminating douchebag from our own vocabularies - no matter how fun it is to say. Maybe that might get others to do the same. In the meantime, let’s put our noggins to finding a replacement word – something like Boehner but maybe with a little more class.

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to luvdoc@austinchronicle.com, or check out the Luv Doc Archive.

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