Dude. Ouch. My heart truly goes out to you. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. I know it seems like I am setting up a punch line here, but I’m not. There is no payoff. The girl of your dreams is the girl who loves you back, and that is something you can’t control. I know that sounds really depressing because in your mind you’re always thinking … “maybe if I start working out and get an awesomely toned body with six-pack abs” … or “maybe if I write a hit song or a Broadway play or a bestselling book” … or “maybe if I get obscenely rich like Bill Gates” … or “maybe if I get plastic surgery and end up looking like Brad Pitt or John Hamm or Justin Bieber ” Wait a minute … scratch the Bieber. That’s not playing fair. It’s true those types of thoughts can change your life and make you a better person, but it’s unlikely they’re going to address the core problem … neither is tying her up in a basement until she sees what an awesome guy you are. Let me assure you that will never happen … even if you don’t tie her up … even if it is a really awesome basement (like the one in That '70s Show) … even if you aren’t wearing a patchwork dress made of human skins. Actually, there’s a pretty slim chance you’re a serial killer, but it looks to me like you’re a bit of an optimist. There’s no shame in that. Pessimists rarely get the ball rolling. In this case, however, I am going to suggest you channel that optimism into the notion that there might be someone out there – even in this tiny backwater of barely a million souls – who might be dreamier than your dream girl. (pssst … I know that’s not going to happen either, but I am an incurable pessimist). Even still, trying to convince yourself that someone better is going to come along is preferable to standing outside her window in a trench coat with a jam box above your head playing In Your Eyes. That would just be fucking ridiculous.