The Luv Doc

The Luv Doc


How in the fuck do I become as cool as you? Of course, assuming that's even possible. Also, I consider myself completely hetero, but I'd really like to bro with you ... does that make me a homo?
Paul in Austin

Paul, I wish there was some sort of snatch-the-pebble-from-my-hand, Kung-Fu/Billyjack-style training regimen I could throw on you that might forge you into a LuvDoc level of enlightenment and awesomeness - i.e. the homo that I am. There's not. You have to be your own homo. I know you're probably a bit confused about which suffix I have in mind here - is it "sapien" or is it "sexual?" Well, here's one pebble I will place in your palm: This is the third millennium, bro. There's no need to waste time agonizing over some bullshit, ancient moral structure imposed by a sect that sacrificed livestock and the foreskins of infants to appease their God. We fucking have iPhones. We can fit the Bible, the Koran, and the I Ching onto a memory chip that would fit into a gnat's ass - and you know what? That would be OK as long as the gnat was into it, and he had pre-arranged a safe word. Bro: There are no completely hetero or homo sex acts, just sex acts. For that matter, there are no completely hetero or homo people, just people. Sure, you and I could sit around talking smack about how we wouldn't get turned on by a shirtless Ryan Gosling, but we both know in our hearts that Baby Goose could probably make it twitch - there's no need to impose the life-sentence-cellmate-in-Huntsville hypothetical on it. No shame. Alls I'm saying is that if you want to Bro with me, let's bro, bitch (and I don't mean "bitch" in that life-sentence-cellmate-in-Huntsville kind of way, but in the kind of affectionate, playful, homoerotically subtextual way of bros who aren't entirely comfortable with their sexuality). Paul, I know you might be amazed by this, but I intuited your uneasiness with male affection from the text of your email. Let me give you the buzzwords: Hetero, homo, and bro. That's right, bro. Bro alone might have been OK, but when you paired "bro" with "homo" in the same sentence, it indicated a high likelihood that you're afraid you might like me too much - or even worse - that I might like you too much. That's impossible - I mean for both of us. We can like each other as much as we want. How we manifest that affection is up for us to decide, although I think it would be reckless of me not to recommend a safe word. How about "Topeka"

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, or check out the Luv Doc Archive.

AC Daily, Events and Promotions, Luvdoc Answers

Breaking news, recommended events, and more

Official Chronicle events, promotions, and giveaways

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)