The Luv Doc
How in the fuck do I become as cool as you? Of course, assuming that's even possible. Also, I consider myself completely hetero, but I'd really like to bro with you ... does that make me a homo?
Paul in Austin
Paul, I wish there was some sort of snatch-the-pebble-from-my-hand, Kung-Fu/Billyjack-style training regimen I could throw on you that might forge you into a LuvDoc level of enlightenment and awesomeness - i.e. the homo that I am. There's not. You have to be your own homo. I know you're probably a bit confused about which suffix I have in mind here - is it "sapien" or is it "sexual?" Well, here's one pebble I will place in your palm: This is the third millennium, bro. There's no need to waste time agonizing over some bullshit, ancient moral structure imposed by a sect that sacrificed livestock and the foreskins of infants to appease their God. We fucking have iPhones. We can fit the Bible, the Koran, and the I Ching onto a memory chip that would fit into a gnat's ass - and you know what? That would be OK as long as the gnat was into it, and he had pre-arranged a safe word. Bro: There are no completely hetero or homo sex acts, just sex acts. For that matter, there are no completely hetero or homo people, just people. Sure, you and I could sit around talking smack about how we wouldn't get turned on by a shirtless Ryan Gosling, but we both know in our hearts that Baby Goose could probably make it twitch - there's no need to impose the life-sentence-cellmate-in-Huntsville hypothetical on it. No shame. Alls I'm saying is that if you want to Bro with me, let's bro, bitch (and I don't mean "bitch" in that life-sentence-cellmate-in-Huntsville kind of way, but in the kind of affectionate, playful, homoerotically subtextual way of bros who aren't entirely comfortable with their sexuality). Paul, I know you might be amazed by this, but I intuited your uneasiness with male affection from the text of your email. Let me give you the buzzwords: Hetero, homo, and bro. That's right, bro. Bro alone might have been OK, but when you paired "bro" with "homo" in the same sentence, it indicated a high likelihood that you're afraid you might like me too much - or even worse - that I might like you too much. That's impossible - I mean for both of us. We can like each other as much as we want. How we manifest that affection is up for us to decide, although I think it would be reckless of me not to recommend a safe word. How about "Topeka"