The Luv Doc

LuvDoc,
Over the last few years I’ve noticed an annoying increase in the number of women who speak with a squeaky, nasal, little girl voice. It’s like a mix of Lois Griffin, Fran Drescher, and Melanie Griffith. My best friend’s 11-year-old daughter doesn’t sound like that, so I think it’s an affectation rather than a mutation. I’ve even heard middle-aged women do it. It isn’t sexy or attractive. It’s as grating as fingernails on the chalkboard. Can you explain it?
- Dan C.

First of all Dan, your exclusion of Rosie Perez from this list is unconscionable – especially since Lois Griffin isn’t even real. Perez, on the other hand, is a smokin’ hot middle-aged woman just like Fran Drescher and Melanie Griffith - who both hit the double nickel this year, by the way. That’s not just middle-aged hot, that’s AARP hot. That’s Sun motherfucking City hot. Sure, Perez is young – a sprightly 48 – but despite her lack of experience, she’s still neck-and-neck with Drescher for being the female Gilbert Gottfried. Melanie Griffith barely qualifies for the bronze. Yes, she’s a little pitchy and vacuous at times, and her vowels occasionally dead-end in her nasal cavities, but she’s no Drescher or Perez. Her hotness, however, is unquestionable. Any woman who can bag and retain Antonio Banderas is the Michael Phelps of hotness. Yes, her face may have been ravaged by a string of Hollywood plastic surgeons who shared the same ethical standards as Joseph Mengele, but regardless of her “trout pout,” you know Griffith has crazy game – either that or a safe deposit box containing Polaroids of Banderas choking out a child prostitute. Along with Johnny Depp, Banderas could have any woman in the world. Michelle Obama would do him and probably get a Presidential pardon. Mother Teresa would have divorced Jesus to hear Banderas whisper sweet nothings. k.d. lang and Rosie O’Donnell would tag-team that shit. Really, what woman wouldn’t want to be Melanie Griffith? So, if a few hundred million women affect Melanie Griffith-like vocal stylings, can you really blame them? What if that lottery ticket actually paid off? Not every woman can rock a beautiful face and a 36-24-36 body, but she can at least try to talk like Marilyn Monroe. Don’t be annoyed, be compassionate. You’ve clearly proven to yourself that sexiness involves more than looks. Try not to get hung up on that one thing. Remember the serenity prayer: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.