The Luv Doc
Last Saturday, my boyfriend and I went to a tailgate party. After we were there for a while, I started to get really bad allergies. I couldn’t even talk to people without snot running out of my nose. I was miserable. When I asked my boyfriend to take me home, he told me that allergies are no big deal and that he gets them all the time and that I should just drink a few beers and not worry about them. I ended up calling a friend to come get me. Do you think I was being a sissy?
- A Big Drip
There’s nothing wrong with being a sissy in Texas, as long as you get a matching personalized license plate that says “Bud” to put on the driver’s side of the back window of your pickup truck. You might also want to learn how to dry hump a mechanical bull wearing tight jeans and a peach spaghetti strap Gilley's T-shirt. If Debra Winger taught us anything in Urban Cowboy, it’s that if you’re going to dry hump a bull, make sure it’s a bull that won’t hump you back. In fact, you probably don’t want to arouse a real bull at all. Arousing bulls is dangerous work whether you’re sporting a gold embroidered matador suit and a red satin cape or a rubber rain suit and a jar of coconut oil. Yeah, coconut oil – ideally organic. Maybe some scented candles. Bulls may be huge, dangerous beasts, but they’re not animals, even if they don’t like to cuddle afterwards. I’m not a doctor of Animal Husbandry, but it seems entirely possible that some bulls might even be allergic to latex and petroleum jelly. After all, you don’t want a bull breaking out. They really know how to rattle a cage. That’s how cowboys get names like “Stumpy” and “Gimp.” But seriously Big Drip, regardless of how big a douche your (I hope) ex-boyfriend is, allergies are serious business. In fact, the allergy drug market is expected to exceed $14.7 billion by 2015. With that kind of cheese on the table, you can bet there’s plenty of misery involved. Unfortunately, allergies aren’t something you can just wish away. They’re something you have to endure, like a shitty boyfriend. However, there are plenty of effective treatments for airborne allergies, albeit with various annoying side-effects. I know this is going to sound all tree-huggy, but after many years of trial and error, a steady diet of local honey seems to work for me. You can put it on toast or pour it all over your naked body and post a picture on your Facebook page. The latter might not clear up your allergies, but it should solve your boyfriend problem.