What follows is the full text of the column that the Austin American-Statesman declined to run in their May 7 editorial page (see "Environs," last item). The column is reprinted here courtesy of Molly Ivins and Creators Syndicate.
AUSTIN - In this rapidly changing and uncertain world, is it not grand to know that we can always count on the Texas Legislature to show us how to really screw things up?
A dandy little property-rights bill, patterned after that charmer that the Republicans passed in Washington, is now under consideration by Our Gang. Unfortunately, a closer look at the same finds that it would give a property owner the right to sue the county for compensation if zoning laws prevented him from opening an S.O.B. (That's gummint-speak for "sexually oriented bidness" - and you thought bureaucrats had no fun.) Yep, if the gummint tells you you can't open a topless bar with mud wrestling, you will have the right to sue the gummint and get taxpayer dollars for the damage to your property.
Now, under the same law, your neighbors, whose property values will be adversely affected by the S.O.B., would presumably also have the right to sue the taxpayers for damage to their property. So the taxpayers are going to get it coming and going, but the lawyers will have a wonderful time.
The property-rights bill sponsored by state Republican Representative Susan Combs would also allow property owners to sue if regulations involving flood plains, subdivision development, sand and gravel excavation, and rock concerts cost them any money. Coming and going again. Guy owns land in a flood plain, county says he can't build there, he sues, he builds, his place gets wiped out in the next flood, and he then applies for gummint compensation for natural disaster. Will this be swell, or what?
Fellow Texans, do not think it can't happen here. A legislature that would pass a veggie libel law is quite capable of passing this.
The property-right folks are, of course, a variant of the anti-government sentiment that takes its most extreme form in right-wing militias. Senator Max Baucus of Montana found a list of what the militia there defines as government's taking away their freedom: To get married, you have to get a marriage license; to drive, you have to get a driver's license; you build, you need a building permit; after you build, your building has to pass the electrical code inspections; etc., etc. Friends, this is not government's taking away your freedom; this is government's inconveniencing you. This is not tyranny; it's a pain in the rear.
Sheesh. Get real. I object to gummint picky-picky-picky stuff myself. We need
much more of this one-stop shopping concept that Vice President Al Gore is
pushing in his Reinventing Government programs. We need simpler rules and forms
and all that goo-goo reform stuff. But if you will notice, whenever we decide
to deregulate something, we are reminded forcibly of why it was regulated in
the first place. A lot of dead trucking companies, dead airlines, and the
savings and loan industry will be happy to testify on that very subject. If you
won't keep reminding youselves, I'll do it for you: The last time Republicans
promised to get the government off your
backs by deregulating something, it
cost you $500 billion.
This ridiculous "property-rights" law is just one of a package of bills all aimed at Austin, where environmentalists managed to persuade the city council to forbid a real-estate development by Freeport-McMoRan, Inc. Freeport-McMoRan is now trying to get waivers from Austin's environmental laws through the Legislature, having had no luck at the local level. Meanwhile, Freeport-McMoRan has the dubious distinction of having been named the Number One polluter in the nation in 1993. The largest releases of toxic chemicals to air, water, and land of any U.S. corporation, 194 million pounds of toxic chemicals, more than double the amount released by the second-ranking company, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. Aren't we proud to have our Legislature dancing to their tune?
Another major backer is FM Properties Inc., a huge developer long at odds with Austin because of its water-quality and development regulations. The irony is that studies show the reason that Austin's economy is booming and that so many people and companies want to move here is because of the quality of life in the state capital.
Also on the polluter's wish list is a bill that would lower water-quality standards in 80% of Texas streams by allowing dramatically higher levels of pollution. No more fishing for us. A bill that would make industry environmental audits secret and would allow immunity from prosecution if polluters voluntarily disclose their violations. If you tell on yourself, we won't even slap your hand. And much more in this vein, all of it guaranteed to produce dirtier air and water in Texas.
Governor George W. Bush's trademark slogan is, "What Texans can dream, Texans can do." On Tuesday, state Representative Steve Wolens of Dallas observed, "What lobbyists can dream, lobbyists can do."