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Miranda wouldn't hold the baby. She hadn't held her in the hospital and she wouldn't now that she was home either. She named her Juliet after her own dead mother, and then had nothing more to do with her. I was the one to hold her when Father drove us home from the hospital. She was wrapped up in a pink blanket and had a funny pink squishy face peeking out from it and tiny fingers Caroline liked to curl up just by touching them. Mother sat on the other side of me with her arm around my shoulder, looking down on Juliet and saying, "What a beautiful baby. What a darling, precious baby girl." Father drove the car and Miranda sat up front and Lyndie was in the middle, showing her the picture of Minnie Mouse he had colored for her when she was in the hospital. Miranda listened to Lyndie and talked to him and told him how much she liked it when he drew her pictures, but she never once turned around to see me holding Juliet. I didn't think I'd like holding a baby but it was okay. Babies are much lighter than I thought. I still had to be very careful though, and my arm was sleepy when we got home, but I liked knowing Juliet had me to hold her, since her own mother wouldn't.
The summer her mother killed herself with a gun, Miranda came to live with us -- Mother, Father, Caroline, Lyndie, and me, Hugh. She was skinny when Mother and Father brought her home from California. She didn't have any of the baby fat Caroline and I had teased her about the summer before when she visited last. She was skinny now, with long, dark hair and brown eyes she must've gotten from her mother, because she didn't get them from the daddy we shared -- Caroline and Lyndie and I have blue eyes like Daddy. But Miranda, her eyes were dark and they were different and even without Mother telling us so, me and Caroline knew we couldn't tease her anymore.
When Father pulled into the drive, Mother took Juliet from me and we all got out of the car and went into the house. Father said, "Who wants cake," and Caroline and Lyndie did, so they went with him to the kitchen. Miranda and I followed Mother and Juliet to Miranda's room, which smelled like the gardenia perfume she always wore and made me feel sad inside. The walls were still pale yellow from when it was Lyndie's old baby room before he shared with me, and it seemed like the gardenia smell came from the yellow walls. There was a new rocking chair in the center of the room. Mother turned and smiled at Miranda."Would you like to rock her in your chair?" she whispered. She pulled Juliet away from her chest and held her out. Miranda took a step back.
"Not just now," Miranda said. "She's already asleep. I don't think I should rock her if she's already asleep."
Mother nodded, but when she turned around, I could see her smile going away. She settled Juliet into Lyndie's old crib, laying her on her stomach, then pulling the pink blanket up to her ear. Juliet's thumb found her mouth and her cheek moved up and down very fast. When Mother and I turned around, we saw Miranda sitting in the chair with her eyes closed. Mother went to her and touched her shoulder.
"Rest while you can. Babies don't know anything about day or night."
Miranda's eyes opened and fell on me. We were the same height when she sat down.
"Alright. But can I sleep in Caroline's bed?" she asked.
"Don't you want to be here when Juliet wakes up?"
"No."
Mother's mouth was tight. "I think you should be here when she wakes up."
"Can I please just sleep in Caroline's bed for awhile?"
Miranda's eyes were still on mine, but she was talking to Mother. It made me feel funny.
"You can sleep in my bed," I told Miranda. "I'm going to have some of the cake Mom made for you. It's lemon with white frosting and it's got pink roses and it says 'Welcome Juliet.' You can sleep in my bed and I'll go eat cake."
Miranda smiled and stretched and rolled out of the chair.
"Thank you, Hughie. I'll only sleep for a little while, I promise."
Mother and I went to the kitchen and Miranda went to my room. I smelled the gardenia perfume again when Mother closed the door and I tried to forget the sad things and pretend we left Juliet sleeping in a garden.
It wasn't like when she came for the summer visit. It was different and harder. Miranda was older now, and she wouldn't play with me and Caroline at all. She would play with Lyndie but he was three and it was me and Caroline she should 've played with. But she stayed away from us and wore perfume that made her seem like we'd never met her and never said one word about her mother. It was hard to think of things to say to Miranda, so pretty soon Caroline and me didn't even try, we just watched to see if she'd go crazy like Caroline bet she would.
Mother said Miranda wouldn't hold Juliet because she was tired from having her. She's a new mother and she's scared, Mother said. She'll come around in a day or two. She wanted Miranda to go out some so she gave me money and sent us to Amy's for ice cream and said to bring back a pint for Caroline and Lyndie to share.I got Belgian Chocolate, Miranda got White Chocolate, and we picked Mexican Vanilla with strawberries for Caroline and Lyndie. The men behind the counter wearing tall striped Dr. Seuss hats like The Cat in the Hat smiled at Miranda the way she used to get smiled at before her body got swollen in the middle. Miranda smiled back. She was still smiling when she handed me the pint of ice cream to take home and when she did I smelled the perfume on her wrist. Don't smile Miranda don't. I looked at the walls painted black and white like giant cow hide while I waited for her to get her cone from the Dr. Seuss men. I thought that when we walked away from the counter she would look back at them and smile but she didn't. And even when we ate our ice cream outside on the big black swing in front of the shop, her eyes stared straight out at the shimmery black road and never turned back to look through the glass.
When we walked back home, we walked slow. Our house was two blocks down and around the corner and the sun was so hot I couldn't go any faster than I was going or jump over the cracks in the sidewalk like I usually did.
"Know what," Miranda said and looked sideways at me.
"What."
"I'm afraid I'll hurt her if I hold her."
"Juliet?"
She nodded. I tucked the bag with the ice cream into my other hand and shook my head.
"You won't. She's light and it's easy. Mom showed me how. You just have to hold her neck."
"Oh Hugh. I know how to hold her."
"Then why don't you?"
"I'm afraid I'll hurt her."
"But you won't." "But I might." We walked over three sidewalk cracks before I thought of something to say. "I wouldn't let you." Miranda just looked at me and we turned the corner onto the street where we lived. The trees were so thick and green the sidewalk was like a dark, cool tunnel. We walked home and didn't say anything else.
Caroline and I would watch Miranda from our bikes. She met shiny or sometimes dirty trucks far down at the end of our block, where the trees hide the stop sign. She got into the trucks and the trucks rolled away and I wondered where to but I never knew. When Miranda would come home, her perfume was still there, but a new smell too. Don't tell, Hughie, Caroline said, it'll make her cry for her mother. She cried anyway. Maybe we should 've told. Miranda will have a baby, Mother and Father said with sadfaces, and I could smell the gardenia perfume and see the shiny or dirty trucks rolling over the leaves in the gutter. Miranda inside. Miranda. Mother. Her stomach got big and people would look away from her wherever we went and that's when I started to smell her perfume and feel sad inside.
After three days Miranda still wouldn't hold Juliet or even sleep in the same room with her. She slept in my bed and I slept in hers and when Juliet woke in the middle of the night, Mother was the one to come feed and change her and rock her back to sleep. That's where Mother was on the third night, sitting in the rocking chair, holding a bottle to Juliet's mouth while I was under the covers of Miranda's bed watching them. Everything was slow and dark and made my eyes heavy and I was almost asleep when Miranda pushed the door open and came into the room. She didn't say anything, she stood still and watched Juliet eat. Mother never stopped rocking, but she covered Juliet's face with one corner of the pink blanket, then took a deep breath and let it out slow and looked up at Miranda."Do you want this baby?" She didn't whisper or use a loud voice or sound mad. She talked like normal. Miranda stared at her.
"You said you wanted this baby. Now she's here and you won't even look at her. Do you want this baby?"
"No."
My heart was beating very fast and I suddenly wanted Miranda to go away and never come back.
"Adoption, then. Juliet will go for adoption. Your father and I have talked it out already."
Miranda shook her head. "I don't want anyone else to have her."
"This can't go on." Mother's voice was deep and strong. "You named this child. And I haven't heard you say that name once in three days. Not once. I'm the one that's held her. I'm the one that's said her name."
Everything was silent except for the baby breaths Juliet took between swallowing her milk. Her breathing and eating sounds made me think of a baby animal I could fit in one hand and cover with the other. I smelled Miranda's perfume and it made me sick and I put the sheets over my nose and sat up in bed.
"Miranda won't come around. You said she would but it's been three days and she won't."
"Hugh, hush," Mother said, but she didn't look at me. Miranda didn't either. Her strange eyes watched Mother feeding Juliet.
"Send her away. Send Juliet away."
"Hugh..."
"She'll hurt her. She said she would and she will." Mother turned and looked at me a long time. Then her eyes went back to Miranda. I thought Miranda would be mad or scream or say I was lying. But she just turned around and walked out of the room and shut the door. Mother looked back at me. "Hurt her? Hurt her?" She uncovered Juliet's face and put her lips to her forehead and began to cry. I put my head on the pillow. I didn't cry. The moon on the walls and Juliet's baby animal breathing and eating sounds hurt me, but I knew by the way my heart beat fast that Juliet had to go away from Miranda. Anything so she could keep making those baby animal sounds that were like having the moon's silver hands hold you all the time.
