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Juxtapose This...

Take a moment now to ponder the incredible complexity involved in compiling a readers poll. The finest minds of our city (or at least those capable of licking an envelope without severely injuring themselves) send in their voting sheets, which must then be assembled, collated, data-entered, tallied, and so forth. So many things could happen along the way to skew the results.

Here at the Chronicle, it still brings shudders whenever anyone mentions that fateful year that lightning struck the Squirrel-a-Whirl in our atrium just as the "Best Of" Readers Poll results were being printed out, and the result was that the categories and their respective winners got totally scrambled. Oh, it was all totally corrected by press time, but just barely.

This year, as a controlled experiment, we re-created the effects of that dread bolt. The results are above.

As you can see, some of the false results are silly, some possibly slanderous, but a number of them, you have to admit, make sense in some twisted way. (In fact, just to prove the point, that last one actually is the real category and winner.) So just remember as you peruse this year's mammoth "Best Of" issue, even if you don't agree with all the readers (or critics) choices - it could always be worse!

-- Ken Lieck

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Best Day Trip - Dog and Duck Pub

Best All You Can Eat - Bark 'n' Purr

Best Bar Snacks - Barton Springs Salamander

Best Spectator Sport - Victoria's Secret

Best Participatory Sport - Forbidden Fruit

Best Place to Take a First Date - Planned Parenthood

Best Choreographer - The Sniper in the Tower

Best Historic Structure - Ann Richards

Best Car Wash - Barton Springs Pool

Best Romantic Spot - Austin Shoe Hospital

Best Lunch Under $5 - Roadkill

Best Rumor - Austin Recycles

Best Place to Hear Poetry - Austin Fire Department

Best Gay/Lesbian Club - Pease Park

Best Children's Entertainer - Daryl Slusher

Best Local Visionary - Eeyore

Best Public Restroom - Barton Creek