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Best Celebrity Eyebrows

Tony Villanueva

photograph by John Carrico

We love a big bushy brow, and Derailers' frontman Villanueva looks like a couple of ditch caterpillars crawled up on his face and died. Bold, brave, and undeniably immense, these brows are two for the books. Check 'em out.

Bill Thies, Equus Entertainment, 615/320-3141

Best Celebrity Giggle

Don Walser

Who else? So spontaneous, so robust, so sincere. When Big Don lets go one of his infectious, high-pitched giggles, purt-near everyone at the hoedown giggles along with him. Luckily, Don's not stingy with his snickers, and it's a rare night indeed when you don't get a least a dozen from the stage. Keep 'em comin', Don, just so long as you keep singing in between.

Nancy Fly Agency, 474-7419

Best Celebrity Hairdo

Clifford Antone

With apologies to Neal Spelce, this award can only go to Clifford Antone, who has perfected the Albert Einstein meets Lou Costello look with a set of silver locks that defy the laws of physics. So what if he doesn't have much to work with? As they say in a few of our favorite blues tunes, "It ain't what you got, it's how you use it."

Antone's, Fifth & Lavaca, 474-5314

Best Ambassador of Goodwill (Music)

Mark Rubin

photograph by Kenny Braun

A person with this many opinions isn't usually this endearing, but it's hard to ignore Mark Rubin. Whether behind stand-up bass for the Bad Livers, tooting on tuba for his klezmer group, Rubinchik's Orkestyr, or sitting in for John Aielli on KUT-FM as he did recently, Rubin is disarmingly frank, charmingly opinionated, and enormously talented. Could it be we're just saying this because we like him? Yew betcha.

Davis McLarty Agency, 444-8750

Best Counterculture Conclaves

FringeWare Inc.

Not only is FringeWare the only bookstore in town where you can find vast quantities of books with an anarchic-technocratic-cult-drug-psycho-criminal bent, but now they're having parties! In league with Mojo's coffeehouse next door, FringeWare has recently started hosting free Friday night events. Star attractions range from SubGenius Devivals to comic book artists to Manson family members, plus there's often free food and drink. Drop by and pick up their events schedule.

2716 Guadalupe, 494-9273

Best Culture Jammers

¡KBN!

We've seen their posters on downtown construction walkways. From the Titty Bingo school of mystery, their stickers made a big showing at SXSW this year, emblazoned upon the lapels and arms of many an out-of-towner. From their manifestos, we gather they're "a cultural steak knife trimming the gristle from the overeating pimp daddy psycho cat of society." Who are these guerilla artists? Can we look forward to more ballsier culture jamming in the future? 'Cause we know of a billboard or two that could use some liberating.

Wherever their art appears...

Best "Electronica" Club

Red Room

Owner/bookers Ramen and Joseph have transformed this much-maligned Seventh Street location into a bastion of mad beats and ecstatic cyalume camaraderie, creating a haven not only for Austin's swarms of candy ravers, but also for local deejays (Trevor, Rollers Redefined) and even some of the old skool guard. Not content with simply catering to the locals, the RR is attracting the likes of mega-acts such as Grooverider and DJ Icey as frosting on a very luvved-up cake. Proteus is long gone - get up, get out, get over it.

611 E. Seventh, 457-8899

Best Excuse for Lone Star Flag-Waving

Texas Folklife Resources

Texas has a unique cultural identity that is threatened by the commercial homogenization of our world - but not if TFR can help it. With fascinating presentations and performances by master Lone Star artists (such as Don Walser and Santiago Jiminez, Jr.) in traditional music, literature, food, and more, they can satisfy both academic and entertainment needs - especially if you love accordions.

1317 S. Congress, 441-YALL

Best Funny Smell

The Big Stinkin' International Improv & Sketch Comedy Festival

As if we needed another festival in this, the city of never-ending fêtes. But when one is run this well, when it shines a light on Austin's underappreciated comedy artists, and when it provides hours of gut-busting guffaws, it not only must be given its due, it must be celebrated! So we doff our jester's cap to this jamboree of joy which, in three years, has grown to encompass 75 comedy companies and 55 shows, drawn humorists of the caliber of Fred Willard and Monteith & Rand, and made talent scouts on the coasts take note. Host troupe Monks' Night Out runs the fest with efficiency and smarts, keeps the quality high, and compares well with their big-name guests in the laugh-making game. Six months after, and our sides are still aching.

1709 Allegany, 912-7837

Best Odd New Happy Hour

Fridays at the Electric Lounge

The Electric Lounge, in recent months, has undergone a revamping leaving it shinier, more efficient, and more audience-friendly, and their Friday Happy Hour is part of the plan. But leave it to the Lounge to present a Happy Hour with the charming, artful quirkiness that attracts the most giftedly off-kilter bands in town. Mariachi Estrella, a spiffy sextet with all the traditional arrangements and a decidedly Austin presentation, make the Lounge as good a place as any to start the weekend.

302 Bowie, 476-FUSE

Best Oh, Who Cares, They Have 75¢ Pitchers

The Backroom, Thursday Nights

We think we remember a huge, crowded room, exuberant bartenders, a hard-core jukebox, a sea of pool tables including two extraspecial blacklit ones, an arcade populated solely by adults (all new-school games, unfortunately, except the lone Pac-Man/Dig-Dug combo machine), two policemen who stood at the door in a manner we thought menacing until we saw the beer in their hands, and Ultimate Fighting Championships on big screen Pay-Per-View. But, boy howdy, do we remember those 75¢ pitchers. Our bodies made sure we remembered thoughout the next day.

2015 E. Riverside, 441-4677

Best Place to Avert Your Eyes

Crown & Anchor's Pay Phone

During a sultry autumn happy hour at the Crown & Anchor, we needed to make a phone call - to a friend, a cab, mom - whomever, it doesn't matter. We plunked in our quarter (ahh, the good ol' days) and began the shouting match necessitated by the din of drunken graduate students. Suddenly, as the men's bathroom door swung open, we realized that this pay phone affords a direct view inside. This wouldn't be so notable were it not for the trough-style urinals, so the innocent caller is front-row-center to a veritable chorus line of spunky monkeys. So, friends, use this phone if you must, just don't reach out and touch someone.

2911 San Jacinto, 322-9168 (not the pay phone number)

Best Cultural Cut-Ups

Latino Comedy Project

An off-shoot of Teatro Humanidad Cansada, a Latino theatre group, the Latino Comedy Project has in the last two years brought some of the best Latino comedians to the forefront of the entertainment scene in Austin. With biting satire on race and culture, LCP hits the funny bone time and again in bilingual sketches that target every aspect of being Latino in the U.S.

At a theatre near you, 236-1484

Best Place to Two-Step and Get a Funky Grind Down Going On

Dallas Night Club

Dallas Night Club on Burnet Road is the home of the modern urban cowboy. Go check out Dallas, where they play all the hot or young country you could want and the DJs mix it up with Nine Inch Nails, C&C Music Factory ("Everybody Dance Now"), Sir Mix-A-Lot, and even Prince's "Pussy Control." Forget the Continental Club and (as much as I hate to say it) the Broken Spoke, the best country dancers in town are here. P.S. - Dallas is buffet-fortified.

7113 Burnet, 452-2801

Best Place to Pretend You're an Asian Pop Star

Paradise Karaoke & Bar

Everything about this place is cheeseball - from the neon-encased "Fear This" plaque to the selection of English songs comprised almost exclusively of sappy Seventies and Eighties ballads. But it's good cheeseball. Settle back into the plush acrylic chairs and the waitress will drop a bowl of chips onto your table. If you're nice or if they know you, you might even score a handful of dried cuttlefish. Then chill, toss back a couple of beers or shots of Crown, and be entertained by the steady stream of patrons crooning along to popular Korean and Chinese tunes while soft-focus videos of roller-blading chicks in bikinis or shows from the Polynesian Cultural Center blare in the background. See? Cheesy, but good.

115 San Jacinto, 474-8873

Best Place to Write a Book

Mojo's Daily Grind

One of the best ways to avoid the Scylla and Charybdis of working at home - i.e., household chores and telecommunications devices - is to take your project and hole up at a coffeehouse. You need one that's comfortable and aesthetically pleasing, with perfect coffee, quiet patrons, kind employees, and conducive music. After playing the field extensively, we found our groove on the green velvet couch at Mojo's Daily Grind, and have since written one book and scores of journal entries, magazine articles, and essays in its sunny, high-ceilinged environs. Maybe it's the name of the joint or the times of day, but it seems like more people come here to work or at least read than to slack 'n' chat. Recommended for up to 1,000 words per day.

2714 Guadalupe, 477-6656

Best Print Shop

Coronado Studios

Artist Sam Coronado started coming into his own in the early Eighties, when his Dias de los Muerte paintings received public attention. Cornado then developed his printmaking skills when he attended a workshop at Self-help Graphics in Los Angeles several years ago. Since the workshop, he's been hooked and has applied for grants to establish a print shop in East Austin. Hoping to inspire local artists into the medium, Coronado started a nonprofit atelier, providing many locals their first opportunity to create a print with a master printer. Now in its fifth year, the workshops have inspired many artists and helped launch some of their careers.

1706 E. Sixth, 322-0109

Best Reason to Take French

Alliance Francaise

We would be lying if we didn't own up to the fact that Catherine Deneuve is often a hot topic of conversation in our music department. Still, les amis at Alliance Francaise d'Austin make sure that we know it's not all berets and skinny mustaches. Aside from giving support to French expatriates and aficionados with monthly meetings, AF offers French language lessons, special community events, and a regular showing of French films, subtitled. Ms. Deneuve probably does not have them on her agenda, but you can add them to yours.

4101 Medical Parkway, 451-1704

Best Street for a Bar Crawl

Burnet Road

A recent bachelor party saw us hopping from LaLa's (on Justin, just two blocks off of Burnet) to celebrate Christmas in June, to the Poodle Dog Lounge for a game of pool, and finally to Ginny's Little Longhorn to hear the country genius of Dale Watson (he's there every Thursday). They're all classic dives in the best sense of the word. Now if wecould just have our beloved Henry's Bar & Grill back.

LaLa's: 2207 Justin, 453-2521; Poodle Dog Lounge: Burnet Road; Ginny's Little Longhorn Saloon: 5434 Burnet, 458-1813

Best Restroom Pornography

Bates Motel

photograph by John Carrico

The collage of Carter-era Playboy and Penthouse centerfolds that brightens up the men's room of this punk rock dive makes us feel like we've just walked onto the set of Boogie Nights. Curiosity and prurience aside, this smorgasbord of airbrushed fantasy is the perfect diversion for the terminally pee-shy.

317 E. Sixth, 480-8121

Best Regards to Old Broadway

Austin Musical Theatre

There are reasons that the world went gaga over American musicals, and we can see them in every production from Austin Musical Theatre. True, the company has just three shows to its credit, but its Peter Pan, West Side Story, and Annie were so consistent in their exuberance, high gloss, and sheer zest for the expression of emotion in song and dance that it's as clear as that sun comin' up tomorrow that AMT understands what makes a musical magical - and can conjure it with the energy, enchantment, and élan that echoes Broadway in its glory days. All we can say to AMT founders Scott Thompson and Richard Byron - serious pros whose deep love of the genre push them to seek perfection and get it, from dazzling guest artists and Austinites alike - is: Applause, applause!

292-9696

Best Theatrical Scene Designer

Christopher McCollum

If theatre is a gateway to distant and exotic lands, then Christopher McCollum may be our top travel agent; his magical sets never fail to transport us. Whether it's Depression-era NYC or Paris during the Great Terror, this Austin native can take a little lumber, some paint, and canvas, and carry us there into what feels like a wonderland. His set for Austin Musical Theatre's Annie made that comic-strip musical's setting a cotton candy-colored Big Apple; his scene work for Zilker Theatre's South Pacific offered luxuriant tropical foliage on traveling boxes, which parted to reveal a three-dimensional Bali Hai rising from a glittering sea. His work reveals not only an expansive sense of scale, perspective, color, and texture, but a great grasp of the dramatic and a thriving sense of wonder.

830 Harris, 473-8313

Best Theatre Sound

Gateway Theaters

After walking into a theatre, have you ever felt that - when the movie actually starts - the sound quality would be better at home, on your own TV minus a speaker? Well if you have, we hope you got your money back. Gateway is an auditory Graceland. Teeming with digital and THX sound, it delivers the loudest explosion or the softest whisper, clearly.

Capital of Texas Hwy at 183,
416-5700, ext. 3808

Best Way to Keep the Cops Busy on a Full Moon

626/Soul's Renegade Parties

Local DJs Coy West and Chris Specht of the 626/Soul collective return to the glory daze of the global party community with this monthly series of unsanctioned, "renegade" parties that are as likely to make you scream with unabashed joy as they are likely to draw the eye (and ear) of Johnny Law. A secret phone number leads to a secret map point, then it's drive, park, walk, and dance. The crowds are intimate, the beats kickin', and the vibe is rich with housey goodness. And yeah, it's a Secret Squirrel kinda thang, but if you seek the truth, you shall find it, grasshopper.

Seek the truth ...

Most Delectably Seedy Club

The Black Cat Lounge

Although there are no hot dogs and only a few bikes now linger outside, the Black Cat is experiencing a renaissance of sorts. A new crowd mingles with the old in the Cat's decrepit open courtyard, uses the overflowing toilets, and rallies around the Flametrick Subs (psychobilly featuring Satan's Cheerleaders) during their Saturday night gig. As the new and old sweat together and raise their Lone Stars and Shiners in salute, raise your own in memory of late owner Paul Sessums. Now, that's a tribute!.

309 E. Sixth, no phone

Most Intriguing Event Rumor

Chances Reunion

We first heard about this through some odd inquiries to our "Public Notice" column, and then continued to hear about it at the bars. The murmurs around the possibility of a weekend-long Chances reunion extravaganza intrigue us. Despite its reputation as the South's gay-friendly hot spot, Austin is sure lacking when it comes to lesbo hangouts. For those here long enough to remember Chances on Red River, it hardly seems relevant: No bar could possibly fill the niche the way Chances did with its inviting atmosphere - welcoming guests gay and straight - and amazingly eclectic booking policies, anyway, so why bother? Why bother?! Well, not only will all the regulars show up, but new generations of yummy baby dykes who have only heard about the legend will have a chance to revel in the faded glory, too. So what say we bug Chances maven Sandra Martinez ... or even better ... offer to help her organize one?

Sandra Martinez, 451-7740

Next Best Thing to St. Patrick's Day

Gaelic League/Austin Celtic Association

Although both organizations promote Celtic culture, they are not one and the same. The Gaelic League accepts its charter out of Dublin, and takes its mission of promoting Irish culture seriously. While it takes a dim view of green beer and plastic bowler hats on St. Paddy's day, the League does offer friendship, Irish-Gaelic language lessons, and monthly meetings to anyone interested in all things Irish (and sometimes Scottish) as well as knowledgable discussion on what makes a good pint. The Austin Celtic Association expands its horizons to include all the Celtic nations with less academic inclination and more musical affinity. The ACA also sponsors the annual Celtic Festival in Austin. They'll both bring out the Irish in you.

Gaelic League, 453-6965; Celtic Association, 443-5827

Next Best Thing to the Chieftains in Your Living Room

Fadó Irish Sessions

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... sometimes they'll riff on the theme from The Addams Family but it's not all Riverdance revisited here. Musicians begin to gather about 7pm at Fadó on Sunday evenings, and by about 8pm, quite a little céilî develops. The shifting personnel of the group guarantees no two sessions are ever the same and the musicians don't always start and stop at the same time but after a half-pint of Guinness, that hardly matters. Harp, fiddles, bodhran, uillean pipes, bagpipes, guitars, tin whistles dance about as the liveliest of jigs, ballads, airs, and strathspeys fill the restaurant, which takes on the patina of a Kilkenny pub by the time that pint is emptied. Dare you to join the stepdancers!

214 W. Fourth, 457-0172

Best Homage to Prometheus

Tantien

photograph by Todd V. Wolfson

Named for the power chakra, the "double burner" in the chakra system - the place from which all of our fire energy comes - Tantien is a quadruple-burner of flaming dance and athletic derring-do. Four dancers twirl batons, toss sticks, and wrangle lariats of fire in a sensual display of elemental power. They have performed at local parties and events, mostly to small but intense and intimate gatherings; to see them in the cloak of night is unforgettable. Baruseula, Heather, Sage, and Tanya (who individually also "does" fire for local band Govinda) are as intense as the heat they throw. Any chance to catch this wonder should not be missed.

477-5460