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Infowars Draws Line in the Sand

Conspiracy site says UN is taking control of Alamo
Brandon Watson, 1:00pm, Thu. Oct. 31, 2013

Remember the Alamo? You probably read about it in Kerrang! magazine in 1982 when you were hopped up on Vangelis and Ms. Pacman. According to the crypto-journalists at Infowars, it's under siege. And like Ozzy Osbourne before, the UN will probably find a way to piss on it.

The latest manufactured outrage from the fevered mind of Alex Jones has the United Nations threatening to take over the Texas landmark. According to Infowars, San Antonio mayor Julián Castro is in negotiations with the UN Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) to name the Alamo as a World Heritage Site.

What does that mean? Infowars correspondent Kit Daniels suggests "a blue UN flag may fly above the historic shrine of liberty." What's more, Daniels writes, "Bureaucrats from China or France could oversee and influence the Alamo's operation." Wheels of nutty camembert may trace Davy Crockett's brave steps. The famous line in the sand may be redrawn with a fey épée instead of William Travis' rugged battle sword. Sacrebleu!

Au contraire says Texas' tough-talking Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson, who called the rumors "horse hockey." Yesterday, Patterson sent out an exasperated press release to "once again…let Texans know that if the Alamo and the other Spanish missions in San Antonio are added to the UNESCO World Heritage List, the Alamo will remain entirely under the control of the state of Texas and the Texas General Land Office."

The busy Lite Guv candidate even took some time away from his busy schedule of posing in front of American flags with guns. "I have personally met with the National Park Service staff working on the nomination," says Patterson, "and I am absolutely satisfied that a World Heritage Nomination will have no affect on the Alamo other than a possible increase in foreign tourists."

Whew! Thank goodness it's just tourists. Still, if you detect the faint smell of Gauloises wafting on the hallowed grounds, don't say Jones didn't warn you.

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