As folks who are somewhat familiar with Austin, we at the Chronicle have some ideas.
• Lost the lottery to see Prince during SXSW
• Was tired of hipsters stealing his haircut
• Felt inadequate when he last visited Hippie Hollow
• Thought that Matthew McConaughey played too many games with J-Lo in the Wedding Planner
• Was kicked out of the Alamo Drafthouse for texting "ROFLMAO" to Bashar al-Assad
• Was grumpy after waiting two hours at Franklin Barbecue
• Decided "Don't Mess with Texas" was a personal challenge
• Was frustrated that he was the only one who didn't get Tree of Life
• Was once laughed at when he brought his ten-speed instead of a fixed gear to the social ride
• Dennis Rodman told him that he had always been jealous of Leslie
• Once asked Molly Ivins out on a date. She was not impressed.
• Didn't find our town's Korean tacos to be "authentic"
• Was pissed off that Barton Springs Pool is always closed when he visits
I guess it's going to be a much hotter summer than we thought. It was nice knowing you Austin!