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The AggreGAYtor: March 14

Your daily dose of LGBTQIA news
Brandon Watson, 3:00pm, Thu. Mar. 14, 2013
Tennessee Sen. Stacey Campfield is deeply concerned about what goes on in your bedroom
Lady Gaga makes a faux pas, Linda Harvey declines to buy cookies, and Louis Farrakhan gets involved in international politics. Today's AggreGAYtor feels like its poor little mind is being devoured by piranhas.

• I wonder if all the closet cases at the Vatican will ever be overcome with the spirit of Madonna and look Pope Francis in the eye to say "papa, don't preach." It would certainly make more sense than quoting "I'm Going Bananas."

• Although sadly it still remains illegal to fiercely mix rayon with linen, the fourth circuit court of appeals have struck down the abomination of Virginia's anti-sodomy laws.

• Rather than passing civil unions laws such that some dour guy in a collar doesn't get all huffypants, let's just rename the institution altogether. Same rights, same institution, but now we can all get "poppycocked!" Lesbians, feel free to invent something less phallic.

• Two steps back: Davis California Police are investigating a possible hate crime after an altercation at a house party.

• Meanwhile in Montgomery County Maryland, police are investigating a beating of a "transgender individual."

• Maybe I've just give too much credance to popular culture; but when a straight dude sees a woman lick his girlfriends cleavage, isn't he supposed to leer instead of going on a road rampage? Has FHM lied to us all?

• The scientific community lucked into a world changing discovery this week as a "concerned Minnesotan" explained how booty "enzymes" cause AIDS.

• Business-casual viking warlord Glenn Gruenhagen put his pillaging skills to the test when he used a procedural tactic to introduce an ex-gay friend to the Minnesota House floor. So butch.

• The Florida Family Policy Council have released a statement accusing gays and lesbians using domestic partnerships as "legal weapons." As a particularly paranoid man, that is why I always keep a lesbian couple in my pocket. They're way better than throwing stars.

• Apparently old dogs learn new tricks all the time. I wonder if that also means that two in the hand is not better than one in the bush.

• For some reason Mission America's Linda Harvey is always photographed with her head slightly titled as if some off-screen person has just complimented her on effervescent smile. Or she may just be really flatulent. That would explain all the Girl Scouts hate.

• A NYC teacher has been fired for responding to a Craigslist personal ad through work email. The to-do proves once again that no matter how much your schoolhouse rocks, it is never a good idea to unpack your adjectives.

• It feels like at this point we should be checking Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield's closet for lederhosen made of the skin of Czechloslovakian models (that kind. He's pretty much taking his obsession to cloud cuckoo land.

• George Mason University Law School professor Helen Alvare thinks the state should tell gays that "marriage is not in the cards for you." She also has a special private message for Leslie June in Topeka, claiming she sees good energy around the letter "C."

• A new study says one can totally determine your sexuality by looking at your Facebook likes, which is bad news for me because one of my likes is "objects" and now everyone's going to now think I'm into love pillows.

Louis Farrakhan is for some reason involving himself in Belize politics. Oddly, that apparently also mens eschewing his usual straight-laced attire for something out of Jonestown.

• A Nigerian newspaper gives the world a handy guide to detecting lesbian players in football. I'm not sure why people have all that many problems, you just have to follow the celestial light.

• A "close friend" says that James Middleton is not gay despite his penchant for stripping nude with other dudes. This time, I tend to believe the argument. He's obviously whatever they call "bros" in England. Chaps?

• We always knew that Angela Lansbury was typing something in all those years playing Jessica Fletcher; but until now, we had no idea that it was bullshit she wrote.

• Like really Lady Gaga? Polio is not fashion.

• Also there is no such thing as a male lesbian. That doesn't come from Gags, but I'm still going to blame her.

• Another gay porn star has been found dead. At this rate, the industry will be begging Dustin Diamond to pork Jaleel White in 2016.

• Dallas drag legend Erica Andrews passed away Monday. Godspeed.

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