Ballad of Tony Romo: Goat or Accidental Shaman
Tony Romo must really love his house and the golf course and the girlfriends who became the wife. He seemingly can’t wait to get back to the off-season year after year, as he blew another one on Sunday against Washington. In seven Cowboys games he’s quarterbacked where you either win or go home, Romo has lost six.
His specialty is throwing an interception just as the Cowboys are about to go in for the winning score, but he’s also been on the punkass end of blowout finales, 44-6 (Eagles in 2008) and 34-3 (Vikings in 2009). The 17th week of the regular season is especially cruel to Antonio Ramiro Romo, who has become the poster boy for folding under pressure.
Being known as a choker in the NFL is considered just slightly more manly than being a transvestite hooker. It’s the ultimate sign of weakness and Romo’s got it bad. It’s not just that he always loses in the end, it’s the way he does. If he was a boxer, Romo would be Pacquiao in Marquez 4 every big game. On Sunday night against the Redskins, Romo threw the ball right to the linebacker in the flat like he was taking a dive. Intended receiver DeMarco Murray paused a couple seconds before downing the intercepter, as if to say, “Really?” For such a great QB to throw that pass was like YoYo-Ma playing "Seasons In the Sun."
Watching Romo in the fourth quarter of an elimination game is just waiting for your punishment. You know you’re going to get smacked in the back of the head by a phone book, but you’re not sure when.
A record-smashing quarterback who’s beat all Troy Aikman’s marks- even bagging Carrie Underwood when the best Troy Boy could do was Lorrie Morgan, Romo’s like the ultra-cool guy at work who borrows your truck to move, and you end up picking it up at the cop pound, stripped clean.
Unlucky will only explain a couple games; Tony Romo is cursed. If there’s not an exorcist in training camp this summer then Jerry Jones really has no idea what he’s doing as general manager.
See, Jones can’t get rid of Romo. Tony’s a star. The fourth-highest rated quarterback ever, he fills $250 seats and $25 parking spaces with his daring field escapades. When he’s on, Tony Romo is the most exciting quarterback in the NFL. But then he takes a dump on Week 17 and heads off to the golf course.
I’ve defended Romo throughout his pro career. I think that eventually he’ll win a championship and I want to have been with him all along- not swimming back when he gets good. But the thing I’ve never liked is just how easily he seems to be able to shake a tough loss. I remember when Oklahoma beat Texas 12-0 in Vince Young’s junior year and the quarterback sat in the dark and questioned his manhood for a week. He never lost another game as the Longhorn starter.
But Romo seems put on this earth to teach Cowboys fans a very true thing: in the whole scheme of things, football don’t mean shit. I have some friends who sulked for days after RGIII and the Redskins ended the Cowboys’ season Sunday with a 28-18 win in D.C. Not me. I was over it in an hour. I started thinking about all my good friends who live and die Redskins football- Tom Clifford, Evan Johns, Steve Watson of the Kingpin in New Orleans, Jake Flack and Pete Gordon- and I thought, “good for them.”
You may see Romo as a goat, but when it comes to putting football in perspective, he’s the GOAT. It's a pastime, not real life, and we can thank Mr. Romo of reminding us of that.
Now, go get your fucking shine box!