Fake Press Conferences Concerning Texas Football: Nov. 3, 2014

Texas dispatched Texas Tech Saturday night in Lubbock, winning 34-13. The Red Raiders were shorthanded at QB going into the game, and they had to turn to freshman walk-on Vincent Testaverde when Quandre Diggs delivered a nasty shot that knocked starter Patrick Mahomes out of the game.

The Texas running attack had their best performance of the year. Malcolm Brown and Johnathan Gray ran with a nice mix of speed and power against a gassed Red Raider defense that also had a hard time dealing with spell back Daje Johnson. The win gave the Longhorns a much-needed confidence boost as they open a tough stretch at the end of their season. The last three weeks feature games against West Virginia, Oklahoma State, and TCU.

Athletic boosters are more visible at the University of Texas than any other major football program in the country, but unfortunately for our sake don’t get a say in post-game press conferences. Which is why these quotes from Red McCombs are entirely made up.

Press: Hey Red, what was your overall impression of the game?

Red McCombs: [Drinks 3 fingers of Glenlivet through a cigar like it’s a straw] Hell, I thought it was a damn kick in the face. We’re ‘sposed to be Texas, and we can only beat Kliff Queensbury by 21 points? I thought this would’ve made a fine victory over Auburn or Oklahoma, but if we can’t beat Tech by more points than birthdays their coach is old enough to remember, well hell, I think we’ve lost control of the damn program.

Press: Do you think Texas is improving?

McCombs: It’s a damn disgrace that we’re in a position to have to need to improve in the first place. Texas is ‘sposed to be one of the best learning institutions on the damn planet right and shouldn’t even be acknowledging the mere presence of anyone from Lubbock. We need to treat them like we’re dominant wild dogs and they’re wasting our damn time. Hell, Darrell K. Royal’s teams beat Texas Tech eight consecutive games without so much as even once making eye contact with any of their players. That’s Texas football.

Press: Red, would you say you are happy with the job that Charlie Strong has done?

McCombs: I’ll say this about Mr. Strong, and I mean this with all due respect: the man couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag filled with the money I slipped down Art Briles’ chimney. To be fair, our boys looked like they were in good enough shape on Saturday, so maybe we could keep a job for Charlie as a spotter in the weight room, or team chef. But head coach? This gotta be some kind of joke.