David Dewhurst: Auteur

Before Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst geared up the extended squawk that is his reelection campaign, the most common complaint was that he is too liberal. Sure, he sides with the Tea Party on everything from gun rights to abortion, but he didn’t throw enough dynamite down the democratic mine. On occasion, he even built (gasp) coalitions.

We didn't put much stock in that criticism then. Dewhurst may not pose with guns like Jerry Patterson or bully his way through Senate Education Committee meetings like Dan Patrick, but at least his bumbling, antagonist performance in last year's abortion bill debate proved one thing – he can pass the duck test.

That is we didn't put much stock until his campaign videos started rolling out. Texas Republicans aren't supposed to have cutesy ideas. They are supposed to drag out the carcasses of Alamo defenders to talk about illegal immigration or prattle on about the constitution in front of bucolic oils. If they want to get creative, they can show a shadow creeping on the great state like a Ringwraith. After all, anything black should be terrifying.

They are not supposed to use Wes Andersoneque hand drawn animations narrated by a Hill Country Wilford Brimley. They are not supposed to make twee baking analogies or considerately nod at a constituent while enjoying a community potluck. And, for God's sake, they are never, ever, ever supposed to get artsy.

But that's just what the Dew has done in his latest ad, titled "Texas Carries the Weight." After a brief blast of film reel static, the action slowly focuses on a strong man. We know he is strong because the camera first lovingly observes his pecs. Powdered chalk runs through his strong hands like organic topsoil. He starts doing curls as we get a glimpse of crotch and tight abdomen.

Wait, what's that on his t-shirt? Two vintage-style letters spell out "TX." Zooey Deschanel probably already has it in her closet. She's probably playing the tinkly old-timey piano in the score. Is this supposed to be a visual metaphor? Let's just linger on his chest.

After a few moments of collar adjusting, we finally get to the money shot. The ad reveals a bearded Texas gym rat while a blond wiggles a shake weight. Haha, the golden boy is wearing his own "CA" shirt from Urban Outfitters. Burn.

But why does Texas have a beard? Does he ride a fixed gear bike? Was the casting call held at the Iron Bear? You'll have time to update your Grindr profile while you watch him wiggle and wiggle and wiggle.

Unfortunately, the video eventually cuts to a silent movie title card. Wilford Brimley reminds everyone that "we have a great state." Tony Soprano sits with his family at a diner as the image fades to black. And whoever took the Dew to see The Artist now has blood on their hands.

Full video below: