Holy Cow

Some say it's only an urban legend. Turn off all the lights, set the channel to CSPAN, and chant his name three times. A malevolent spirit will appear, his face twisted into the rictus of madness. Louie Gohmert. Louie Gohmert. Louie…Gohmert.

If only turning on all the lights would get rid of him.

Giving a general speech before the House floor, Gohmert recently broke out a tale from the crypt. "We may see the elimination and extinction of Christianity in its very birthplace, without a whimper of protest from the West," he begins, doing his best Deliverance sheriff. Woefully, he looks down on the dais, fighting the urge to break out into a maudlin version of "How Great Thou Art." It's a grim business, being the lone moral voice in America.

But five terms has made him tough. He regains his composure long enough to drop an inconvenient truth.

By the way no country has ever fallen while it was truly honoring the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. So if you were completely areligious, completely atheistic, but you wanted to have a free country, and you wanted to have it safe and protected, then it would sound like, from historical purposes, that it might be a good thing to encourage those who believe in God to keep doing so. Because when a nation’s leaders honor that God, that nation is protected. It’s only when it turns away that it falls.

In the carnival funhouse of Gohmert's mind, atheists shouldn't be fretting about Creationism being included in high school textbooks or crèches being erected in front of courthouses. They should be passing out leaflets and knocking on doors. It's the only way they can save their godless kind. Without Christianity, the Saw franchise would become all too real for nonbelievers. Without Christianity, the Overlook Hotel would be a house of horrors instead of the quaint B&B it is today. Hallelujah!

This isn't the first time that Gohmert has tried to color outside the church and state lines. Earlier in the year, he introduced a "Congressional Hope for Uniform Recognition of Christian Heritage" bill – otherwise known as the CHURCH Act – that would call for the creation of a plaque "recognizing the seven decades of Christian church services being held in the Capitol 1800-1868."

But fair is fair, and we certainly wouldn't want to cast aspersions on Louie's asparagus. Maybe the CHURCH Act should have passed. It is said that craft projects help soothe the addled mind.

Full video below via Mediaite.