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News Ticker: September 3

All the news that's fit to blog
Brandon Watson, 4:45pm, Tue. Sep. 3, 2013
Barry Smitherman beats the bushes, Ted Cruz shoots the breeze, Michael Burgess fishes for compliments. Poaching is on the News Ticker.

• In case you thought Austin was being invaded, KVUE News helpfully clarifies that the sudden proliferation of people is, in fact, due to the annual return of Labor Day vacationers. Service journalism at its finest, folks.

• Over the no-refusal weekend, there was a refreshing lack of boating while intoxicated arrests. Of course, that was probably due to there being no water to actually boat on. Officials have not released details on how many of the DWIs were on Lake Travis.

• At least one Austinite may not have realized that this year's Burning Man is over.

British Airways will begin direct flights from Austin to London beginning in 2014. That means there is a 50% increased chance that Gwenyth Paltrow will be spotted on South Congress. Burn sage accordingly.

• Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice Wallace Jefferson has indicated that he will resign October 1, fueling speculation on who Gov. Rick Perry will name as his replacement.

• Constituents should probably be warned that Sen. John Cornyn position on Syria requires a heavy dose of dramamine.

• Child of the corn Rep. Steve King is going pheasant hunting with Sen. Ted Cruz. If they would only invite Dick Cheney, we could have a solution to Washington gridlock.

• The Texas National Guard is reportedly denying benefits to same-sex couples, despite Pentagon orders.

• According to Forbes, the future of the American political landscape is in Texas' hands. We would be like Will Smith in Independence Day, if Greg Abbott wasn't so uncomfortable with black people having power.

• Railroad commission chairman Barry Smitherman spent most of his recent Texas Alliance for Life speech going off the rails on a crazy train.

• However, we must admit he did have a good point when he said "unborn" babies "would have voted Republican." Fetuses do, after all, have undeveloped brains.

• Like the bloodthirsty college student at Rep. Michael Burgess' latest town hall, we too want to know why Burgess hasn't sought Obama's impeachment. We're not sure we want to live in a world where Burgess is the third craziest Texas politician.

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