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News Ticker: July 11

All the news that's fit to blog
Brandon Watson, 4:30pm, Thu. Jul. 11, 2013
photo by Gage Skidmore
Rick Santorum, keeping Austin weird
John Cornyn hires a snot-nosed punk, David Dewhurst tries to break out of the friend zone, and Rick Santorum clogs up Austin's pipes. Euphemism is on the News Ticker.

Time is asking if anyone can stop a 2016 Rick Perry presidential run. Just off the top of our head, here's a few suggestions: a banana wearing a pith helmet, a broken Cartier watch worn by a Park Slope debutante who is trying to keep up appearances, Anita Perry in a Michele Bachman mask, any former member of Menudo, the lion from the MGM logo …

• Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst wants you to know that although he doesn't trust you to make decisions about your own body, he still loves you. The GOP really ought to stop getting their pick-up lines from Tucker Max.

• At a naturalization ceremony at his presidential library, former President George W. Bush urged for a "benevolent spirit" to guide the immigration debates. We're don't blame him. After eight years of having Gozer the Gozerian for vice president, we would probably be looking for our own Casper.

• Kansas U.S. Rep. Tim Huelskamp was unimpressed by Dubya's soft heart, saying that, "We care what people back home say, not what some former president says." Of course, Kansans think molasses is an acceptable component of barbecue. Huelskamp really shouldn't trust their advice at all.

• In a disturbing reenactment of the prison scene from Silence of the Lambs, sweater-vested former Senator Rick Santorum has flung himself into the Texas abortion debate.

• In related news, today is National Slurpee Day.

• Sen. Kevin Eltife says that lawmakers told the Department of Public Safety to spare no expense in beefing up Capitol security during the abortion furor. The move came after many at the Lege realized they don't like being held responsible for their actions.

• We are somewhat disappointed in Rep. Jonathan Stickland's "moneybomb" trailer. Sure, the music is bombastic enough to score a thousand Bruckheimer blockbusters, but would it have killed him to include at least one flaming eagle?

Students for Concealed Carry are feeling betrayed that Gov. Perry cares more about abortion than their feelings. If only they would have read The Rules, none of this would have happened.

• U.S. Rep. Michael Burgess is continuing his crusade against CFLs and LEDs. If there is one thing the GOP wants to protect more than the sanctity of life, it is the sanctity of lightbulbs.

• Both of the Texas U.S. Senators seem to base their hiring decisions on how closely the applicant resembles John Hughes villains. Sen. John Cornyn has hired former Freedomworks director and affirmative action bake sale enthusiast Brendan Steinhauser to run his campaign.

• Meanwhile, Ted Cruz has put his faith in Josh Perry, who directs new media with such pithy Twitter witticisms as "Condolences UT students. No more Daily Texan means you'll have to pay for copies of the Statesman to defrost your fridge at end of semester." Ooh, zing!

• Speaking of higher education, the University of Texas has been ranked the 7th best public university in the U.S. by the Center for World University Rankings. The albino squirrel population begs to differ.

Austin Energy is offering an air-conditioning check-up for $29. You can also mail that check to the Chronicle offices. We probably won't do much of anything; you'll just feel cooler.

Austin Parks and Recreation has issued a burn ban for all city parks. We're not sure how it will pass constitutional muster, but it will be nice to walk through Zilker without getting insulted.

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