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News Ticker: April 17

All the news that's fit to blog
Brandon Watson, 2:30pm, Wed. Apr. 17, 2013
Louie Gohmert often confuses Scooby Doo episodes with national security reports
John Carona loses a wager, Marco Rubio prepares for the worst, and Louie Gohmert gives in to paranoia. Toxicity is on the News Ticker.

• Although an arrest is reportedly imminent in connection to the Boston Marathon bombing, the FBI is cautioning the press not to get ahead of themselves.

• Hot off his suggestion that the TSA planned the Boston attack, undeveloped stem cell Alex Jones has found a new Nostradamus.

• Letters sent to President Obama and Mississippi Sen. Roger Wicker have tested positive for the deadly poison ricin.

• In fact, "poison pills" are showing up all over Washington. Only Marco Rubio can save us.

• The investigation into the Kaufman county murders has taken a Lifetime movie twist, with a former judge's wife now charged for the deaths of A.D.A. Mark Hasse, D.A. Mike McLelland, and his wife.

• A bill requiring abortion doctors to have hospital admitting privileges has cleared the Texas Senate Health and Human Services committee. Next, lawmakers will consider requiring women to compete on American Gladiators before receiving reproductive care.

• The Senate Education Committee also advanced the controversial bill to gut Texas' high school graduation requirements down to three shop classes and a promise not to make fun of Rick Perry's cheerleading career.

• If Sen. John Carona were a betting man, he wouldn't like the odds of his proposed gambling legislation.

• According to Rep. Louie Gohmert, "radical Islamists" are "being trained to come in and act like Hispanic(s)" to get past border security. Luckily for Americans, the training videos mostly consist of scenes from West Side Story. The terrorists shouldn't be that difficult to spot.

Austin-Bergstrom was one of the many airports affected by yesterday's American Airlines groundings. Although the cause of the glitch is still unknown, American did ignore instructions not to feed Louie Gohmert after midnight.

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