The AggreGAYtor: January 29

Barney Frank readies for his close-up, Dan Cathy bros down, and Chris Brown gets a little testy. Today’s AggreGAytor, who once knew better words, now only uses four letter words. Writing prose, anything goes.

• The Boy Scouts of America may soon allow troupes to decide their own LGBT policies.

• Or they may just continue their long-held tradition of being dicks. Time will tell.

• Military Spouse magazine, which I imagine as a jarring amalgamation of Guns & Ammo and Real Simple, has named lesbian Ashley Broadway as its Fort Bragg spouse of the year.

• Perhaps dazzled by her new celebrity, the Fort Bragg spouses club finally offered Broadway full membership.

• Speaking of Broadway, Barney Frank is off.

• In a presidential first, Barack Obama sent a video message to the National Conference on LGBT Equality. Although the video was reportedly three hours of cats falling off various pieces of furniture, everyone appreciated the gesture.

• Obama is also reportedly including gay folk in his immigration proposal, probably because he wants a bigger Valentine’s present.

• OK, here’s the deal. I mean marriage rights are cool and all, but gays don’t really need them. I mean, whoever heard of a gay shotgun wedding? Ammirite Paul D. Clement? Give me some skin!

• Gun rights. Marriage equality. Brian Edwards and Thomas Privitere’s lawsuit over the misuse of their wedding photos has everything. Add Benghazi and everyone in the media can just take the day off.

• A new CDC study estimates that more than 40% of bisexual women have been raped. Science is depressing.

• Campus Pride Executive Director Shane Windmeyer and Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy are totes besties now. Shane shared his stamp collection and Dan shared his Form 990 and now we can all gorge ourselves on waffle fries.

• A Wyoming House committee has nixed a bill that would allow for same-sex marriages, but have advanced a civil unions bill. Which is sort of like offering a zesty unwooded chenin blanc and then actually serving a coffee cup full of Zima.

• New York Police have released sketches of the man believed to have beaten gay activist Lou Rispoli to death.

• Virginia’s Senate has approved a bill protecting LGBTQ state employees from discrimination.

• Poland has rejected civil unions. Feel free to make up your own jokes.

• Rich person Cecil Chao is still looking for a nice straight guy to marry his lesbian daughter. She should just come home one weekend with John Mayer. Bud nipped.

• NBA star Kenneth Faried has two mommies.

• TNT’s Inside the NBA wonders how Charles Barkley ever dribbled with such limp wrists.

• Former NFL offensive tackle Kwame Harris would prefer it if you did not borrow his underwear without asking.

• Cosmopolitan contemplates 30 ways women can please their gay husbands in bed. Ooh. Whipped cream.

• Maybe all the vibrations from his “lawmaster” have driven him into a frenzy, but I could swear Judge Dredd was checking out my junk.

• Kim and Kourtney Kardashian kanoodle. Koala knew knight knack krill. Knucklehead. Chris Brown was a little irritated that Frank Ocean got the plum Employee-of-the-Month parking spot. Breezy is just the worst.

• But don’t worry, Miley Cyrus totally has Frank's back. And she’s been taking lots of SoulCycle classes.

• Cissy Houston doesn’t exactly cherish the thought of Whitney being every woman.

• Well, it’s an esthetic.

• Houston gay travel agency Concierge Travel is funding a scholarship for a LGBT student through Sexual Minorities Uganda.

• Texas state Rep. Rafael Anchia has filed a bill to allow the listing of same-sex parents on birth certificates.

• For the life of me, I can't remember what I did with my spandex onesie.