The AggreGAYtor: December 5
• Less than twenty four hours after a judge granted an injunction to three providers of conversion therapy, a second judge has said “nuh-uh.”
• With marriage equality taking hold in the US, Instinct Magazine’s question as to what defines consummation in gay marriages has some currency. Can marriage be consummated by blowies? Cunnilingus? Circle jerks? Heavy make out sessions? I am collecting a dearth of evidence to inform my opinion.
• An Indonesian transgender festival is shuttered due to Islamist group's intervention.
• The Atlanta City Council continues to imitate of Austin by passing a resolution in support of marriage equality. It’s just like Single White Female, but with a much bigger haircut.
• Helena Montana approves first measure of non-discrimination ordinance. Not entirely coincidentally, Helena Montana would also be a great drag persona. Such much gravitas in that name – like an unholy union between Miley Cyrus and Barbara Stanwyck in the “Big Valley.”
• As a believer in the primacy of Austin, I am disheartened that users of sugar daddy website seekingarrangements.com rank Houston as more promiscuous.
• In shocking news, the Riverdale Times (Herald? Times Herald?) reports that Archie has spurned both Betty and Veronica and taken up with George Takei.
• Meanwhile, Takei has taken to having lunch dates with the bronzed remains of Pompeii decadence.
• The Vatican’s marriage “toolkit” includes a sample of Anita Bryant’s perfume “Extra Pulp,” Victoria Jackson’s eponymous comedy CD, a locket of Kirk Cameron’s pubic hair, a vial of sweat from Marcus Bachmann’s most tender glands, and other necessities for warding off the gay threat to heterosexual couples.
• After agreeing to participate in “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Carson Kressley had to explain to his parents that there was nothing wrong with his vision.
• Because gay dating in the real world is such a festival of never ending delights, naturally it makes excellent fodder for a simulation video game. Just terrific. Really top drawer.
• American Apparel CEO Dov Charney, a mild mannered businessman whose actions are controlled by a sentient pit stain, is being sued for rubbing dirt in an employee’s face and calling him a fag.
• AfterElton wonders if preggers princepessa Kate Middleton is a gay icon. Apparently we are just nominating anyone for the job now. How about Ann Murray or Sandy Duncan or the little girl who plays Lily on “Modern Family.” Flo from Progressive Insurance? So fierce.
• Although same-sex marriage is not legal in Israel, divorce cases are just too fun to pass up.
• Swedish Toys ‘R’ Us affiliate Top-Toy tries out gender neutrality.
• The US Senate rejects the House’s attempt to politicize the defense budget.
• Is Frank Ocean dating French model Willy Cartier? Does he comb his lustrous locks while singing sweet nothings? I hate you, Willy Cartier, I hate you!
• Anderson Cooper refuses to cut it out and, resultantly, goes blind.
• In an idea only slightly worse than swallowing live grenades, angry celebrity Mel Gibson thinks about reaching out to FUBAR celebrity Lindsay Lohan. I will admit that I look forward to the resultant buddy flick.
VIDEO BONUS: Maleficient may not be as good of a listener as Sleeping Beauty, but she throws way better parties.
EXTRA SPECIAL SUPER DOUBLE VIDEO BONUS: All Chloë wants for Christmas is you.