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Up Too Early

Google Streetview fashion critique from Rainey Street
LuvDoc, 11:29am, Mon. Jul. 16, 2012
Fashion fawn, meet fashion grizzly!
This is absolutely as cool as you can ever look on a Segway. Seriously. This woman is bringing the style so hard it is actually overcoming the force field of dork that comes complimentary with every Segway rental.

Sorry, nerds. It’s a cruel, judgmental world out there – especially when you’re riding one of these contraptions. Yes, they are revolutionary marvels of technology that will someday earn the respect of the common man – or at the very least some product placement in Paul Blart Mall Cop IV: The Caramel Corn Capers – but right now they are pretty much slow-moving platforms for public ridicule.

Those bicycle helmets don’t help any either. Bicycle helmets are God’s punishment for all the do-gooders trying to stave off global warming. If God didn’t want global warming to happen, He wouldn’t have made a bunch of dickheads like us, would he? That’s why if you insist on subverting God’s will, you will be cursed with having a bad hair day every time you ride your bike. It’s the law.

This woman however, has hair straighter than Moe Howard so she is exempt from God’s wrath. Perhaps like Moe, she is chosen. Regardless, she is killing it – even on a Segway. First of all she’s wearing a tiger tooth necklace. Well, actually, it’s unclear from what actual genus and species that tooth originated, but it is a fang. Bitch is wearing a fang necklace early in the morning on a Segway tour! Fashion fawn? Meet fashion grizzly!

Take note, people. This is how it’s done: Black dress, red cowboy boots (which are currently being used to kick fashion’s ass), Jackie Onassis sunglasses, and tiger (or insert vicious, flesh eating mammal here) fang necklace. In Austin you can wear that shit anywhere – to a Bible study at the Crossroads, the roller derby, Eeyore’s Birthday, a bongo party at the McConaughey’s, or something even more depraved … a Segway tour.

Luvdoc Fashion Index: 9.75 (this is the perfect outfit minus the helmet and Seqway)

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