The AggreGAYtor: January 9

• A military judge has reduced Bradley Manning’s possible sentence after ruling zhe was mistreated in custody.

• Indiana, a bitter spinster who never quite mastered simple prairie points, is not being invited back to the quilting bee.

• The National Cathedral has decided to start performing gay marriages.

• A “former patron” is suing Philadelphia gay bar Woody’s for unnecessary manhandling.

• According to Pastor Dave Buehner, homosexuality is a sizzling hot stove that you wouldn’t want your daughter putting her hand on. Thus Buehner handily wins the competition for worst lesbian erotic fiction of 2013.

• Although his local council recommended approval of his project, the chief executive will not be sending Ryan Andresen’s Eagle Scout application. For those keeping an Eagle Scout tally – that’s out LGBT members 0, mass murderers 3.

• Apparently, the text from Massachusetts’ decision to allow same-sex marriage is becoming a de rigueur reading for wedding ceremonies. I’m sure it’s lovely, but I think I’ll stick to my plans to cull my vows from Texas penal code §22.011 (a)(2).

• According to the Advocate, “fabulous shopping” and concerts by the cast of Glee trump actual quality of life for LGBT people. And Salt Lake City gayer than Austin? Pshaw!

• Forget Nicki vs. Mariah, New Hampshire state Rep. Al Baldasaro vs. out state Democratic chair Ray Buckley is way more sassy.

• Given big tobacco’s well documented targeting of the LGBT community, the CDC’s recent counterweight is definitely a good thing. I just wish they could have come up with something a little more elegant than rainbow letters. Ad agencies seem to think we’re all a bunch of Lisa Frank sticker collecting tweens.

• A fire at the LGBT-inclusive First Unitarian Universalist Church in Hillcrest may be a hate crime. Or it may be an accident. Or some fire juggler may have wandered by while practicing for Burning Man. Who knows? I'm not going for the Pulitzer here.

• The national offices of the Stonewall Democrats has shuttered due to lack of funds.

• Jeanne Manford, legendary ally and founder of PFLAG, has passed at 92.

• The North American Old Catholic Church has announced the ordination of a transgender priest, making it the Cinderella to the Roman Catholic Church’s ugly step-sister.

• In further papal concerns, New Zealand’s Advertising Standards Authority have dismissed complaints that a billboard featuring the Pope (gasp) marrying two dudes is offensive.

• The UK tells activist Serigne Tacko Mbengue that he has to “prove” he is gay in order to avoid deportation. It remains unclear what the “test” will be, but I am imagining the Ultimate Ninja Challenge as reinterpreted by Vivid Video.

• Paris officials have decided to block the opening of a new multi-story gay nightclub. If this news item is relevant to your daily life, I hate you hate you hate you!

• Oddly, a loving rendition of an all- lesbian Last Supper has not been snagged from Etsy yet. Ellen is Jesus, natch.

• It’s awfully nice that a gay couple gets to enjoy a romantic meal together in the new Crate & Barrel catalog, but I’ll reserve my triumphant cheering for the moment a same-sex couple gets to wake up rumpled in luxurious Pima cotton sheets.

• Material bro Christopher Ciccone thinks that Lady Gaga’s style should be more accessible.

• Taylor Swift’s former amuse-bouche Harry Styles has quite a few nipples.

• Exodus International’s blooper reel might just be replacing “Pickle Surprise” as my favorite gay video.

• UT track coach Bev Kearney has resigned over a 10 year old consensual affair with female student. Sociology alchemist Mark Regnerus, unfortunately, is still making paper.