Last Up Too Early: Bring It, Bitches!
If you want to skip the self-important blather and get right to criticizing my fashion choice for today, go straight to the last paragraph and get started!
It should have been painfully obvious to even the most casual readers that what I know about fashion wouldn't fill a gnat's ass, but even still I have been called a "skinny jean wearing hipster," a "fashionista who thinks his shit doesn't stink," and a "trust fund metrosexual," all of which are pretty much spot on.
Countless other people, in criticizing my initial foray into fashion criticism, have employed the term "low hanging fruit," which always conjures the image of an old man's scrotum for me, but is entirely accurate as well. Making fun of complete strangers is relatively easy. Yes, it's occasionally entertaining (even if you don't like my shit, check out Vice Magazine's Dos and Don'ts.) but it also smacks of mean spritedness, and despite my providing several thousand words of evidence to the contrary, that wasn't what I intended.
The truth of the matter is that regardless of whether it was mean or not, Up Too Early had a certain undeniable universality. We all think those mean thoughts. We're all judgmental - needlessly so - though we don't want to admit it. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to be a catty little bitch if you just let yourself go - though I don't really recommend it.
Whether we want to accept it or not, we are all constantly being judged by others - often in ways we can't even imagine. If you choose to let it grind your self-esteem to a pulp, it will. Or, you can choose to not give it power and fly off the rails into your own narcissistic fantasy land. Even though it's sometimes painful, it's good to have people around who care enough place some checks and balances on your sense of reality - fashion or otherwise.
If you've even ignored the fashion advice of a well-meaning friend and been subjected to the withering taunts of your peers, you probably understand what I mean. Fashion means nothing. Fashion means everything. Your call.
In that spirit, I am offering myself up to everyone for some karmic payback. Here is my Google Streetview photo for you to criticize. Sorry about the shitty face blur. This isn't Google. Please use the Comments section below for your criticism, and please, don't hold back. I'm pretty sure I never did.