Author List | All Tags
Recent Tags
Popular Tags
WFTDA (50)
Texecutioners (30)
Alternative Softball League (29)
Dallas Cowboys (28)
Track & Field (25)
Pro-wrestling (13)
Lonestar Rollergirls (11)
Sports (10)
TXRG (9)
MMA (9)
Austin Wranglers (8)
Austin (8)
Olympic Games (8)
Lady Longhorns (7)
Texas Relays (6)
UT (5)
UT Football (4)
Northwest Knockdown (4)
Legislature (4)
UIL State Championships (3)
Texecutioners (30)
Alternative Softball League (29)
Dallas Cowboys (28)
Track & Field (25)
Pro-wrestling (13)
Lonestar Rollergirls (11)
Sports (10)
TXRG (9)
MMA (9)
Austin Wranglers (8)
Austin (8)
Olympic Games (8)
Lady Longhorns (7)
Texas Relays (6)
UT (5)
UT Football (4)
Northwest Knockdown (4)
Legislature (4)
UIL State Championships (3)
All Chronicle blogs, all the time
Politics, opinion, and other news staples
The scene turned inside art
Getting in bed with books
Come on in the kitchen
Sizing up screens big and small
Get the wax out
Elements of style
Steer here, queers
Check back here for Chronicle alerts!
by Jeremy Martin
Two Wranglers Get Individual AFL Honors
Thu Jun 28, 3:45pm
, 2007
The AFL playoffs start tomorrow, of course, but the season's over for the 4-12 Wranglers after an out-of-town loss to Tampa Bay last weekend. Two Wranglers got some good news this week, though.
Wranglers Wrap Season, Consider Move to Minors
Fri Jun 22, 11:56am
, 2007
Forget wrangling up a win – the Austin Wranglers (4-11) hope to wrangle up a little old-fashioned euthanasia this week and put this struggling season out of its misery. Whether the Wranglers manage to pull up to the fabled five wins in a single season or not, the safest bet is that first-year coach Brian Partlow won't be taking the team out for pizza after the game.
Wranglers Slay Dragons, Wrangle Up a Win, et al.
Mon Jun 4, 9:59pm
, 2007
Tags: Austin Wranglers
The Austin Wranglers broke a four-game losing streak this weekend, pulling up to a let's-face-it-still-pretty-horrible 4-9 standing. The season's been rough for the Wranglers, who have a rookie head coach and dropped their starting quarterback midseason. The Wranglers defeated the New York Dragons 82-54 setting a franchise high for points scored. New QB Lang Campbell finally looked like starter material, completing 19 out of 30 passes for 250 yards with no interceptions. This was Campbell's first win in five games and the Wranglers first road win all season. Unfortunately, probably no Austinites were there to see it in person, because I'm betting not even the most loyal Mangler hopped on a plane to Uniondale, N.Y., to see the team fight to delay being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. The always-amazing Derrick Lewis did his part scoring a personal record of five touchdowns. The Wranglers play at home against the Georgia Force Saturday, June 9, 7:30pm at the Erwin Center, 1701 Red River. Call 339-3939 for tickets or go to www.austinwranglers.com for more info.
Wranglers vs. Predators Sunday at the Erwin Center
Fri May 18, 3:26pm
, 2007
The Austin Wranglers (3-7) face division rivals the Orlando Predators (6-4) for the second time this season at 3pm Sunday at the Frank Erwin Center. The Wranglers lost this season's first meeting, 45-30, largely due to then QB Adrian McPherson's three interceptions. The Wranglers have dumped the turnover-prone McPherson now, in exchange for still unproven QB Lang Campbell. Last week Campbell threw four touchdowns and two interceptions in a 53-41 away loss to the Arizona Rattlers. The schedule is running short for the Wranglers - they only have six games left to dig out of a losing season. If the Wranglers want to beat Orlando this time, they have to contain QB Shane Stafford. The best way to do this is probably to set up a sting operation in which someone posing as an underage girl propositions Stafford in an online chat room. At least that's what they always do on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator." For ticket and TV/radio broadcast information visit www.austinwranglers.com.
For more on the Wranglers, please see "Arena Rock."
For more on the Wranglers, please see "Arena Rock."
Guillen Defeats Sims in Art of War 2’s No. 1 Stunner (Wh-What, Wh-What, What?)
Sun May 13, 11:25pm
, 2007
Do you believe in miracles, folks? In an almost literal David and Goliath comeback Chris Guillen … OK, the overemoting sportscaster approach doesn’t work when you’re describing a cage fight, does it?
After watching “the Guillotine” Guillen beat the 10-inches-taller Wes “the Project” Sims in an upset of totally cliché-ical proportions Friday at the Austin Convention Center, audience members probably left only inspired to either start a bar fight or take a shower. Or at most, in the case of spectators who paid $250 to sit cage-side, maybe ask for a refund.
After the circus sideshow thrill of seeing a 6-foot-10 dude (Sims) dissipated, the night’s main event – which ended in a unanimous 29-28 decision and was the night‘s only fight to go the distance – was kind of boring, considering the fight’s hype-to-two-punch-drunk-guys-staggering-around ratio, the same problem plaguing a lot of heavyweight boxing matches. Despite his nickname, Guillen unfortunately never went all Wu-Tang on Sims’ ass with a few flying guillotines. The RZA would’ve been, at best, disappointed.
After watching “the Guillotine” Guillen beat the 10-inches-taller Wes “the Project” Sims in an upset of totally cliché-ical proportions Friday at the Austin Convention Center, audience members probably left only inspired to either start a bar fight or take a shower. Or at most, in the case of spectators who paid $250 to sit cage-side, maybe ask for a refund.
After the circus sideshow thrill of seeing a 6-foot-10 dude (Sims) dissipated, the night’s main event – which ended in a unanimous 29-28 decision and was the night‘s only fight to go the distance – was kind of boring, considering the fight’s hype-to-two-punch-drunk-guys-staggering-around ratio, the same problem plaguing a lot of heavyweight boxing matches. Despite his nickname, Guillen unfortunately never went all Wu-Tang on Sims’ ass with a few flying guillotines. The RZA would’ve been, at best, disappointed.
Art of War 2 Invades Convention Center
Thu May 10, 12:09am
, 2007
True face-punching connoisseurs got a taste of the old mixed martial-arts combat in January when Chuck Norris brought his inaugural World Combat League championship into town. But while the schedule for the next WCL season, with the newly relocated (Austin) Texas Dragons, is still TBA, fight fans can get their kicks (ha) at the Art of War 2. And what this fight will be lacking in Lone Wolf McQuade points, it more than makes up for in the steel-effing-cage department.
In addition to the prospect of maybe seeing a dude (God forbid, of course) getting his head totally smashed open on some metal bars, the Art of War’s bringing some recognizable names for Ultimate Fighting Championship fans. Headlining fighter Wes “the Project” Sims is a three-time UFC heavyweight contender and pretty hard to miss, considering he’s 6 feet 10 inches. Opponent Chris “the Gallatin” Guillen, incidentally, is 6-foot flat, 10 inches shorter. According to promotional materials, Guillen’s not worried about Sims’ massive reach advantage. Guillen says he plans to keep the fight on the floor using some no doubt sweet take-down moves. “On the ground,” Guillen says, “we’re all the same height.” Hey speak for yourself, buddy (rim shot).
In addition to the prospect of maybe seeing a dude (God forbid, of course) getting his head totally smashed open on some metal bars, the Art of War’s bringing some recognizable names for Ultimate Fighting Championship fans. Headlining fighter Wes “the Project” Sims is a three-time UFC heavyweight contender and pretty hard to miss, considering he’s 6 feet 10 inches. Opponent Chris “the Gallatin” Guillen, incidentally, is 6-foot flat, 10 inches shorter. According to promotional materials, Guillen’s not worried about Sims’ massive reach advantage. Guillen says he plans to keep the fight on the floor using some no doubt sweet take-down moves. “On the ground,” Guillen says, “we’re all the same height.” Hey speak for yourself, buddy (rim shot).
Wranglers Prepare for the Storm
Fri May 4, 1:37pm
, 2007
The Wranglers (3-5) take on division rivals the Tampa Bay Storm (2-6) 3pm Sunday at the Frank Erwin Center. Starting in 1987 as the Pittsburgh Gladiators, the Storm are the oldest franchise in the modern Arena Football League, making a total of eight Arena Bowl trips under the two team names and winning the damn thing five times as the Storm. Coach Tim Marcum is the most successful in AFL history, with seven bowl wins. The Storm is also ahead in series history, 4-2, between the teams. This season, though, illustrious history or whatever probably won't be as much of a factor as TB's quarterback injuries.
After losing QBs John Kaleo and Stoney Case in back-to-back games, the Storm is left with two rookies behind center. Brett Dietz gets his first AFL start this week, and B.J. Symons from my alma mater Texas Tech (Whoo! Whooooo!) will suit up for his first game in the league. Wrangler QB Adrian McPherson, in contrast, is just starting to realize his sweetass potential. The Storm rank second in rushing touchdowns this season, but the Wranglers only allow 15.4 yards a game on the ground. Reminds me of the time I asked my ninth grade science teacher, Mr. Sharp, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. "Jeremy," he said,"why don't you just sit quietly and wait for your meds to kick in." That's good advice anytime. For more on the Austin Wranglers check out this week's sports feature, "Arena Rock." For tickets to Sunday's game, go to the Austin Wranglers Web site.
After losing QBs John Kaleo and Stoney Case in back-to-back games, the Storm is left with two rookies behind center. Brett Dietz gets his first AFL start this week, and B.J. Symons from my alma mater Texas Tech (Whoo! Whooooo!) will suit up for his first game in the league. Wrangler QB Adrian McPherson, in contrast, is just starting to realize his sweetass potential. The Storm rank second in rushing touchdowns this season, but the Wranglers only allow 15.4 yards a game on the ground. Reminds me of the time I asked my ninth grade science teacher, Mr. Sharp, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. "Jeremy," he said,"why don't you just sit quietly and wait for your meds to kick in." That's good advice anytime. For more on the Austin Wranglers check out this week's sports feature, "Arena Rock." For tickets to Sunday's game, go to the Austin Wranglers Web site.
UEFA Champions League 2006-2007 for the Xbox 360
Thu Apr 26, 12:02am
, 2007
Considering the last soccer video game I played was Pelé’s Soccer on Atari 2600, I’m probably pretty easy to impress. “Awesome!” I couldn’t help shouting after I put the game in. “The players have legs now!” So I’m probably not the target market, but neither are you, most likely. In the U.S., where we hear things like, ”I meant real football, like with a helmet,” a Union of European Football Associations game is a niche item for sure. American soccer nuts have a similar title, FIFA Soccer, but EA’s double-dip into the nonhelmet-football market is more than a quick cash-grab. Not only do we get pretty, pretty graphics, but the gameplay is so deep and complicated that trying to describe it would no doubt make me sound like an uncultured dumbass. (“You know that thing where they kinda flip over and kick the ball in the air? You can so totally do that!”) Mastering the controls isn’t easy unless you’re already familiar with their mostly identical FIFA counterparts, especially since there’s no playable tutorial included. Besides the quick-match option, you get several involved league-play options. You can choose either a typical franchise mode, or an “Ultimate” mode that allows you to build a dynasty with trading cards, sort of like Pokémon with rioting. There’s also a mode allowing you to replay famous UEFA matches, but the less I try to discuss this the better. As far as I’m concerned, it might as well let you re-create famous battles from the Peloponesian War, but for true fans, the possibility of managing the 1974 Bayern Munich squad is probably shorts-soaking exciting.
Wranglers Ward off VooDoo 45-38 in Overtime
Mon Apr 23, 1:31am
, 2007
Some new players helped the Wranglers improve their losing season Saturday in an overtime upset of the New Orleans VooDoo.
Increasingly impressive FB Chad Dukes scored on the first drive on a goal-line plow set up by the still-inconsistent QB Adrian McPherson’s 25-yard broken-play dash.
The Wrangler defense then stopped the VooDoo from crossing the goal line at close range four plays in a row. And McPherson put the McPher(fear) in New Orleans (I spent most of the rest of the game coming up with that one) by leading the offense from end to end, putting the Wranglers up 14-0 with a touchdown throw to WR Kevin Nickerson, a lead they kept for the rest of the quarter, and for 15 minutes the Wranglers looked more like a team bound for the Arena Bowl than a 2-5 underachiever.
The second quarter went not so well when the VooDoo found where the Erwin Center’s end zone is located, and the Wranglers’ offense went limp and answered with a field goal. The ensuing kickoff was run back by the apparently slippery and unfortunately named Jacques Rumph (probably chosen by his parents solely for the “Boy Named Sue” toughness-increasing factor). A safety and another freaking touchdown pass brought the VooDoo ahead, 22-17. McPherson, apparently unconcerned with my calling him inconsistent, then hit the according-to-the-Wrangler’s-press-release “stud receiver” Derrick Lewis for a touchdown.
The score remained unchanged during halftime when not much happened really, football-wise.
Increasingly impressive FB Chad Dukes scored on the first drive on a goal-line plow set up by the still-inconsistent QB Adrian McPherson’s 25-yard broken-play dash.
The Wrangler defense then stopped the VooDoo from crossing the goal line at close range four plays in a row. And McPherson put the McPher(fear) in New Orleans (I spent most of the rest of the game coming up with that one) by leading the offense from end to end, putting the Wranglers up 14-0 with a touchdown throw to WR Kevin Nickerson, a lead they kept for the rest of the quarter, and for 15 minutes the Wranglers looked more like a team bound for the Arena Bowl than a 2-5 underachiever.
The second quarter went not so well when the VooDoo found where the Erwin Center’s end zone is located, and the Wranglers’ offense went limp and answered with a field goal. The ensuing kickoff was run back by the apparently slippery and unfortunately named Jacques Rumph (probably chosen by his parents solely for the “Boy Named Sue” toughness-increasing factor). A safety and another freaking touchdown pass brought the VooDoo ahead, 22-17. McPherson, apparently unconcerned with my calling him inconsistent, then hit the according-to-the-Wrangler’s-press-release “stud receiver” Derrick Lewis for a touchdown.
The score remained unchanged during halftime when not much happened really, football-wise.
Vince Young - in Loving Tribute
Thu Apr 19, 2:51am
, 2007
Vince, God rest his soul, has signed on to be this year’s Madden cover boy, and we all know what happens now. The ancient origins of the Madden curse have become obscured, but rumor has it the bad luck is tied to John Madden’s original bargain with Satan. In exchange for the inexplicable ability to transfer his love of Turducken into a multimillion-dollar commentating career, legend has it Madden agreed to deliver one promising, young athlete to the pit of despair every year. And Young, the poor bastard, is next. The evidence, presented in way-easier-to-write outline form, is undeniable. Curse wise, Vince would be better off wiping his ass with Tutankhamen’s wrappings.
Wranglers Beat Blaze in Tight One, 65-64
Mon Apr 9, 2:11am
, 2007
The Austin Wranglers stopped their four-game losing streak Friday with a close finish against the Utah Blaze. QB Adrian McPherson threw for 271 yards and six touchdowns. He also ran one across the goal line from 17 yards out, securing his title as offensive player of the week. WR Derrick Lewis pulled in an onside kick and three of those TD passes, while WR Anthony Hines grabbed two, including the 17-yard game-winner with less than 12 seconds left on the clock. Utah missed a 46-yard field-goal attempt in the last two seconds of the game. This win puts the Wranglers at 2-4 this season. The Wranglers head to Columbus, Ohio, Saturday to take on the 2-3 Destroyers and return to the Frank Erwin Center to play the New Orleans VooDoo Saturday, April 21.
Wranglers Lose to Nashville 70-63
Sun Mar 25, 7:50pm
, 2007
Tags: Austin Wranglers
Maybe they shouldn't have played the Meow Mix jingle at the Frank Erwin Center when they introduced the Kats.
Austin Wranglers Host Nashville Kats Saturday
Fri Mar 23, 2:48pm
, 2007
First off: "Kats," seriously? Not only are they apparently named after a Lovin' Spoonful song, but the "K" makes it sound like the team was named by the owner's preschool nephew.
If the Kats were going for a badass misspelling, they quite obviously would've been better off with "Catz" or even better "Xatz" or best of all "XXXatzzz." Now those are incorrectly spelled names that would put a shrivel in the other teams' jockstraps. The cutesy Kats spelling makes you think the team's mascot would look like a differently abled version of Snagglepuss ("I pooped the bed again – exit stage left, even.") You'd be wrong, of course. Their mascot is a special-needs top cat with Elvis hair and a guitar. Seriously. What were we talking about again?
If the Kats were going for a badass misspelling, they quite obviously would've been better off with "Catz" or even better "Xatz" or best of all "XXXatzzz." Now those are incorrectly spelled names that would put a shrivel in the other teams' jockstraps. The cutesy Kats spelling makes you think the team's mascot would look like a differently abled version of Snagglepuss ("I pooped the bed again – exit stage left, even.") You'd be wrong, of course. Their mascot is a special-needs top cat with Elvis hair and a guitar. Seriously. What were we talking about again?
Wranglers Defeat Gladiators in Season Opener
Mon Mar 5, 1:36am
, 2007
Tags: Austin Wranglers
Did the Austin Wranglers manage to “rustle up” a way to make the Las Vegas Gladiators crap out? Yippee ki yay and Seven-come-eleven, it’s … sorry, I thought I would try out a SportsCenter introduction for this game, but it's not going so well. This is, after all, the Score, so insert a sexual innuendo or too-smart literary reference here _______ and then I’ll just tell you the Wranglers won 57-36.
The team’s shiny new quarterback and coach are already looking like confident team leaders. QB Adrian McPherson threw for 205 yards, ran for 26, and was named offensive player of the game. And coach Brian Partlow, in a ballsy move, called an onside kick in the first quarter, and it worked. The Wranglers began the game with a 19-0 scoring run, and the Gladiators never seriously threatened to come back, staying at least two touchdowns behind for the rest of the game.
As expected, former Houston Texans wide receiver Derrick Lewis played a big role Sunday, catching two touchdown passes, including one played off the safety net behind the end zone. If you aren’t familiar with the rules catching a ball that hits the net is a perfectly legal (and totally sweet) play in the AFL. In fact most kickoffs bounce off the net, requiring the return man to catch the ball with his back to the defenders. I imagine the feeling is probably similar to tagging up in wall ball, but only if the tennis ball you get pegged with weighs 250 pounds and is suited up in full pads.
The team’s shiny new quarterback and coach are already looking like confident team leaders. QB Adrian McPherson threw for 205 yards, ran for 26, and was named offensive player of the game. And coach Brian Partlow, in a ballsy move, called an onside kick in the first quarter, and it worked. The Wranglers began the game with a 19-0 scoring run, and the Gladiators never seriously threatened to come back, staying at least two touchdowns behind for the rest of the game.
As expected, former Houston Texans wide receiver Derrick Lewis played a big role Sunday, catching two touchdown passes, including one played off the safety net behind the end zone. If you aren’t familiar with the rules catching a ball that hits the net is a perfectly legal (and totally sweet) play in the AFL. In fact most kickoffs bounce off the net, requiring the return man to catch the ball with his back to the defenders. I imagine the feeling is probably similar to tagging up in wall ball, but only if the tennis ball you get pegged with weighs 250 pounds and is suited up in full pads.
Austin Wranglers Season Opener Sunday
Fri Mar 2, 1:59am
, 2007
More interesting than Canadian football and better smelling than the European league, arena football has definitely earned its position as the NFL's socially awkward foster child.
And with its new ESPN contract, this is the Arena Football League's time
to shine. It's already moved up to second on the Google search results
list for AFL after the stock symbol for AFLAC, surpassing both the
Australian Football league and typos on ALF message boards.
I’m Just a Bill: Replacing the Big Tuna
Fri Feb 2, 2:25am
, 2007
Sports Illustrated recently ran a quick story about possible replacements for Bill Parcells after he retires, listing probable but boring candidates like Norv Turner and Mike Singletary. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm pretending Jerry Jones reads this blog, so here's a few better, more interesting suggestions for him.
Charlie the Tuna
Fri Feb 2, 2:23am
, 2007
OK, this one’s pretty weak, I admit. Bill Parcells’ nickname is “Big Tuna,” so I’m suggesting he be replaced with an actual big tuna. Get it? If you couldn’t tell, I’m not getting paid to post this stuff, so I’m certainly not wasting A material on this shit.
Advantages: One word: persistence. The tuna spends its whole life swimming upstream just to lay eggs in its original spawning grounds. Wait, that’s a salmon, isn’t it? All right, then. Let’s go with his high-protein content, then.
Drawbacks: Every time the Cowboys lose, you could look forward to Chris Berman saying “Sorry, Charlie.”
Rating: 2/10
Advantages: One word: persistence. The tuna spends its whole life swimming upstream just to lay eggs in its original spawning grounds. Wait, that’s a salmon, isn’t it? All right, then. Let’s go with his high-protein content, then.
Drawbacks: Every time the Cowboys lose, you could look forward to Chris Berman saying “Sorry, Charlie.”
Rating: 2/10
Jim Halpert
Fri Feb 2, 2:21am
, 2007
Basically the same joke as the Charlie thing. If you’re a true Office nerd, you’ll know Jim's nickname is “Big Tuna.” But bad jokes aside, how sweet would this be?
Advantages: Basically everything. Jim is the man, with his boyish yet accessible good looks and his easygoing sense of humor. He’s got Pam and Karen, both hot, shivering at his every smirk. Would he choose already? Some of us are ready to start fantasizing about catching his cast-off on the rebound. It’s OK, Pam; I understand. I’ll hold you till the pain goes away.
Drawbacks: What were we talking about?
Rating: 6/10
Advantages: Basically everything. Jim is the man, with his boyish yet accessible good looks and his easygoing sense of humor. He’s got Pam and Karen, both hot, shivering at his every smirk. Would he choose already? Some of us are ready to start fantasizing about catching his cast-off on the rebound. It’s OK, Pam; I understand. I’ll hold you till the pain goes away.
Drawbacks: What were we talking about?
Rating: 6/10
Sloth From 'The Goonies'
Fri Feb 2, 2:13am
, 2007
Are you serious? The guy’s a dead-ringer for Parcells. I bet some of the slower Cowboys (I’m looking at you, T.O.) wouldn’t know the difference.
Advantages: You basically can’t lose. If the Cowboys win, great. If they lose, so what? Picture it: Oh, way to go, Redskins. I hope you’re real proud of yourselves, beating a team coached by a crazy deformed goonie. Big accomplishment. Maybe next week you can kick a dying puppy.
Drawbacks: I hear he’s got a real weakness for chocolate. Plus, you know, the whole crazy goonie thing.
Rating: 8/10
Advantages: You basically can’t lose. If the Cowboys win, great. If they lose, so what? Picture it: Oh, way to go, Redskins. I hope you’re real proud of yourselves, beating a team coached by a crazy deformed goonie. Big accomplishment. Maybe next week you can kick a dying puppy.
Drawbacks: I hear he’s got a real weakness for chocolate. Plus, you know, the whole crazy goonie thing.
Rating: 8/10
The Robot Girl From ‘Small Wonder’
Fri Feb 2, 2:04am
, 2007
Why hasn’t anybody thought of this before? If you’re going to drag up old has-beens like Bill Parcells and Barry Switzer, why not call Vicki up from whatever horrible things she’s no doubt doing these days. Either that or she’s a Christian evangelist.
Advantages: She’s possibly the creepiest thing ever seen on TV, so the intimidation factor’s huge. Plus opposing coaches and players would be distracted trying to remember an actual episode of the TV show.
Disadvantages: If she’s tricked into patting herself on the head, she deactivates. Plus, her significance is destined to be lost on anyone under 25.
Rating: 5/10
Advantages: She’s possibly the creepiest thing ever seen on TV, so the intimidation factor’s huge. Plus opposing coaches and players would be distracted trying to remember an actual episode of the TV show.
Disadvantages: If she’s tricked into patting herself on the head, she deactivates. Plus, her significance is destined to be lost on anyone under 25.
Rating: 5/10
The Corpse of Ronald Reagan
Fri Feb 2, 2:02am
, 2007
If you won’t carve the man in Mount Rushmore, maybe you could at least make him honorary coach of America’s Team. The man single-handedly won the Cold War for crap’s sake.
Advantages: Remember the “win one for the Gipper” speech. That one gets 'em every time. Plus the man died so recently that any criticism or any jokes about him would be in really poor taste.
Disadvantages: Rigor mortis, obviously. Plus, his foreign policy allowed Osama bin Laden to take power in Afghanistan. I’m not entirely sure how that applies, but I bet Tom Landry wouldn’t’ve done it.
Rating: 5/10
Advantages: Remember the “win one for the Gipper” speech. That one gets 'em every time. Plus the man died so recently that any criticism or any jokes about him would be in really poor taste.
Disadvantages: Rigor mortis, obviously. Plus, his foreign policy allowed Osama bin Laden to take power in Afghanistan. I’m not entirely sure how that applies, but I bet Tom Landry wouldn’t’ve done it.
Rating: 5/10
Trick Daddy
Fri Feb 2, 2:01am
, 2007
Come on, look at him. You know you were thinking the exact same thing.
Advantages: The man‘s absolutely terrifying. I’m actually scared he’s going to hunt me down and kill me for even grafting his head onto the bitch-titted torso of Bill Parcells.
Disadvantages: He’s a great offensive strategist, but the rumor is he relies too heavily on his defensive coordinator. Plus, he might go to jail at any point during the season.
Rating: 7/10
Advantages: The man‘s absolutely terrifying. I’m actually scared he’s going to hunt me down and kill me for even grafting his head onto the bitch-titted torso of Bill Parcells.
Disadvantages: He’s a great offensive strategist, but the rumor is he relies too heavily on his defensive coordinator. Plus, he might go to jail at any point during the season.
Rating: 7/10
Hong Kong Phooey
Fri Feb 2, 1:55am
, 2007
First off: He’s quicker than the human eye. Second: With that cat who always solved the mysteries as assistant coach, he’d be unstoppable. Plus, bestiality concerns aside, the secretary who had a crush on him was sort of hot, in a repressed librarian sort of way.
Advantages: Wouldn’t that be some shit?
Disadvantages: Absolutely none.
Rating: 10/10
Advantages: Wouldn’t that be some shit?
Disadvantages: Absolutely none.
Rating: 10/10
WCL Championships or, Is It Manly to Cry If Chuck Norris Breaks Your Heart?
Fri Jan 26, 2:40am
, 2007
OK Chuck, I can take a hint. It really seemed like we hit it off when I interviewed you last week. You even said you’d see me at the WCL Championship Saturday. But when I got there, where were you? About 20 rows ahead, that’s where, sitting next to Wynonna Judd. I spent last week daydreaming about the laughs and adventures we’d share after we met and you instantly pronounced me your new sidekick.
Instead I got stuck with a far-off view of your majestic mullet and a seat next to my non-black-belt wife. (BFD – Guess how many times she’s fought Bruce Lee.) But in the interest of the Score’s WCL coverage and my countless readers (Hi, Mom and Dad!) I’ll try to put my shattered dreams aside and focus on the championship fight.
The big news here is the much-coveted Norris Cup will stay here in Texas where it belongs after the Houston Enforcers managed to beat the Miami Force for the first-ever WCL title. While not every fight lived up to the promise of “full-throttle action” – some fights were less than a minute long and many others ended with both fighters conscious – the match was exciting, and the score stayed close.
Instead I got stuck with a far-off view of your majestic mullet and a seat next to my non-black-belt wife. (BFD – Guess how many times she’s fought Bruce Lee.) But in the interest of the Score’s WCL coverage and my countless readers (Hi, Mom and Dad!) I’ll try to put my shattered dreams aside and focus on the championship fight.
The big news here is the much-coveted Norris Cup will stay here in Texas where it belongs after the Houston Enforcers managed to beat the Miami Force for the first-ever WCL title. While not every fight lived up to the promise of “full-throttle action” – some fights were less than a minute long and many others ended with both fighters conscious – the match was exciting, and the score stayed close.
The Eyes of the Ranger Are Upon You
Thu Jan 18, 1:55am
, 2007
When Chuck Norris’ name is attached to something, you can bet on one thing: Somebody’s getting kicked in the face. That’s practically the Chuck Norris guarantee. And so it is with his latest creation, the World Combat League, though Norris is personally giving everybody’s face a rest this time. He’s taken a behind-the-scenes role in this new form of competitive martial arts. As the face and founder of the league he won’t be going Walker Texas Ranger on anybody’s ass, but he’ll be cutting checks to the fighters who do.
“They get paid, they get a salary,” Norris said. “But if they knock a guy out with a kick, they get a bonus. With a knee they get a bonus, with a punch they get a bonus, but those are a lower bonus.”
That’s right, he’s paying people to beat the crap out of one another. Why didn’t the NHL think of this?
“They get paid, they get a salary,” Norris said. “But if they knock a guy out with a kick, they get a bonus. With a knee they get a bonus, with a punch they get a bonus, but those are a lower bonus.”
That’s right, he’s paying people to beat the crap out of one another. Why didn’t the NHL think of this?
