Pokémon 3: The Movie

It's two, two, two movies in one! Okay, actually you'd be hard-pressed to find the remnants of one “real” film in this third outing, which consists of a 20-minute short starring the inexplicably durable Japanese cartoon series' little yellow Pikachu (Otani) and his new buddy Pichu and a 75-minute feature starring the rest of the series' regulars. Neither one is going to be of any interest to anyone over the age of 13 or not interested in the bizarre cultural branding the Pokémon series represents. (Sociologists and budding toy makers could learn a thing or two, however, from the ongoing series, which first arrived a few years ago amid news that the original Japanese television program induced epileptic seizures in vast numbers of suceptible young viewers. Why this didn't serve as a warning to the world at large remains a puzzler to this day; certainly parents' wallets are the lighter for it.) The opening short follows the wacky (and I do mean wacky) misadventures of lovable yellow blob Pikachu and his new friend Pichu as they scamper off to the city to play and run afoul of the Pichu brothers while playing a Pokémon version of tag in the streets. I'll admit right now that I have a Pikachu sticker on my truck, but only because the character is so vibrantly annoying that it's downright cool. Small and chubby, the vaguely scrotal, perpetually chirping beastie is just as cuddly on the big screen, though the inanities of his adventures bloom a thousandfold here. Pokémon 3's main epic -- subtitled Spell of the Unown -- is a smashing lesson in incomprehensibility, even for a fan of bizarre Japanese anime such as myself. If you thought Akira was hard to figure out the first time around you might as well be wearing a sack over your head when it comes to deciphering the plot logistics of Unown, which reunites goggle-eyed teenage Pokémaster Ash Ketchum (Taylor) with Pikachu and their weakly animated friends Misty and Brock (Lillis and Stewart) for yet another rapid-fire chase through the world of low-grade Japanese animation. The story concerns Ash's new pal Molly, who becomes trapped in a magical crystal tower of dreams overseen by the Unown, a new group of wily Pokémon who resemble nothing so much as animated letters of the alphabet. Ash's mom is also in jeopardy, but with the help of past Pokémon stars such as Charizard and the feline Meowth the day is predictably saved. I don't know about you, but when a series such as this resorts to using talking letters in lieu of new characters it appears the end may be finally in sight. Parents will be happy to know that this new offering, like the show itself, has minimal violence -- it's all so over the top (and so very poorly animated) that all but the most impressionable of young minds should have no trouble realizing it's all in fun. What mom and dad ought to be aware of is Nintendo Inc.'s sly packaging of each film with new Pokémon characters. Propelled by the unashamed credo “Gotta catch `em all!” it's almost certain that young fans will be clamoring to stop by the card 'n' comic shop on the way home to collect the garish new species. Do yourself and your kids a favor, parents, and head to Spy Kids instead.