"Thank you for being my introducer. This introduction has been carefully crafted over several years, and I ask that you read it as written. Please read it over and familiarize yourself with it. Then on the day of my speech, if you read it with a great deal of enthusiasm...you will set the tone for a successful program. There is a blank for you to fill in with a name -- please choose someone who is a clown, cut-up, or joke-teller whom most everyone knows. It's an opportunity for you to add another laugh to my intro.
Thank you,
Robert
P.S. Just before you begin, please ask everyone to turn off their cell phones. Thanks!"
Fisting-Bot, I can't stop thinking about you. Your shiny chrome fists haunt me in my dreams. I feel like we have so much in common -- and yet we're completely different. After the Trans-Texas Corridor is completed and citizens are forced to pay tolls (every time they drive a car [on roads that are already paid for]) I can retire from public service a wealthy man and we'll run away to Spain together. (I sold some vital bits of infrastructure to Spanish Royalty a while back and they *love* my ass almost as much as you do)
Yours Truly,
Rick Perry
p.s. do androids dream of electric sheep? I know I do!
Cassidy Frazier has been the Classifieds Director at the Austin Chronicle for the past four years. She started her career with the Chronicle ten years ago as a Classified Sales Rep and now oversees a department of nine full-time salespeople. She was born in the year 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan, Scotland, on the shores of Loch Shiel. Little did she know that she was an immortal warrior. She eventually became a blacksmith in Glencoe, where she was married briefly, but the marriage didn't work out 'cause her husband was just a mere mortal. In 1541, she was located by a much older immortal, who is now known as Sean Connery. He gave her a sword and said, "There can be only one." And there is only one. And it is Cassidy Frazier.
Kate X Messer, Chronicle senior editor, blogger, and resident NOLAphile, is writing about her upcoming trips to the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival.
In her first post about it, she has rounded up a slew of last-minute Jazz Fest accommodations for the first weekend of the fest. In compiling her information, she said that most of the managers of the places listed offered discounts to Chronicle blog readers.
Specifically, David at the Degas House offers 10% off the nightly rate, and Joe at the Frenchman and Rachel at the Bohemian Armadillo also encouraged our readers to mention the blog and they'll be happy to hook you up. Chronicle advertisers, The Hotel Monteleone also offers great deals considering the level of service and post-fest in-house entertainment on tap for both weekends.
You can check out Kate's blog post detailing this offer at the Chronic bloghere.
You know who you are. Yes I know. No, I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
1.Please stop leaving the seat up. I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often, but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
3.If you do drink the last one, buy more or leave money on the counter. I will pick some up.
4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason, my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?
5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean, as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).
6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.
7.Please stop turning the heat up. You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass. My wife may like it, but I think it hurts.
8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day, but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.
Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S.
