Ten Worst Enemies of Gay Texas

1) The 2004-05 Texas State Lege

Don't these guys have anything better to do – like maybe give themselves another pay raise – than pick on a bunch of queers? Is it a personal grudge? Jealousy? Something internal? Is it hate-baiting simply for the sake of rallying their troops? Between "debates" for anti-gay legislative proposals, these bullies slipped in just about every misconception and slur they could hurl at gay and lesbian Texans. And we paid for it. – K.X.M.

Robert Talton (Photo By Jana Birchum)

Warren Chisum (Photo By Jana Birchum)

2) Robert Talton & Warren Chisum

Robert Talton claims that his gay-bashing mission in the Legislature is all part of God's plan, but evidence points to another sort of celestial body at work. We offer Exhibit A – The Secret Language of Birthdays – to show that Talton's narrow path in life was actually dictated by his date of birth. The authors of this astrological tome must have drawn inspiration from Talton in describing the personality traits of those born on June 27 (apologies to all who share a birthday with Mr. T.). Of course, the book simply confirms what we already knew about the Lone Star State's most demonized homophobe – that he is driven by a "rock-solid set of moral convictions" borne out of "highly personal rather than worldly" persuasion; that he is "inflexible," suffers from serious "tunnel vision" and that his "antagonistic manner" often provokes "less than sympathetic reactions" from those around him. (This is a guy who posts troopers outside his office door on gay lobby days.) For example, Talton's fellow House members recently dissed him good by killing his amendment that would have banned the placement of foster kids in gay or lesbian-headed households. As for the other Capitol homophobe, Warren Chisum, the zodiac book provides few insights into the July 4 psyche of this elfinlike granddaddy of gay-bashing legislation. Because of Chisum's courtly, soft-spoken demeanor, however, the Pampa rep is more likely to be forgiven for believing he's doing God's work. Or maybe Chisum's just working for Chisum. July 4 people, we're told, are prone toward "misplaced anger" that is "manifested in the course of a selfless cause." – A.S.

3) Self-fulfilling Stereotypes

Baggage. Gossip. Flannel. Plaid.

Kitschy. Bitchy. Limp-wrist Chad.

U-Haul. Mullets. Suicide, too.

How about a Manscape, you?

Vanity. Heathens. Liberal core.

Well aren't you the Promiscuous Whore?

Why do we continue to self-fulfill every prophecy and stereotype thrown at us? We don't have to give a damn about what other people think, right? But it is about standing up for our independence, our intelligence, our pride. We are daring, edgy, risky, even spunky, and we must flaunt our creativity rather than simply fall into the predetermined footprints in the sands of societal expectation – theirs or ours. It is our duty as fabulous queers to teach the world how to color outside the lines. – K.G. & K.X.M.

4) The 'Mo in the Know

All gay guys have the style gene, right? You know, the innate ability to know just the right color for an accent wall, or placement of an ottoman, or the perfect cuff links. This is a grave misconception. There are lots of hideously groomed 'mos living in dreary apartments who haven't a clue about design. But you'd never know that from watching these makeover shows that are flooding every network. Queer Eye started it all, of course, but the myth that fags have good taste has existed for decades. Sorry – Carson Kressley's sense of style can be very scary, and Miss Rodriguez's culture is strictly the kind that resides in a dish. But they're hardly the worst – they were simply the first. On the street level, we know it's not true that all 'mos have good taste. Gay Pride Parades prove it. Look at the herds of us (them!!!) on weekend nights in the Warehouse District in that tired Aberzombie look that still rules, age-be-damned: armies of baggy hoodies, backwards baseballs caps, team jerseys, cargo shorts ... looking like overgrown preadolescents. It's the 21st-century equivalent of the Castro Clone – but at least the Castro Clones dressed like adults. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the elite 'mos who really do dictate style – designers of hair, dress, jewels, handbags, shoes, interiors, florals, walkers ... actresses flock to them like moths to a flame. Society women worship at their feet. Political wives subscribe to them like a newspaper. They are the A-Gays who hold sway over A-list style. And it's different up there – above the street and up into that gilded aerie. The gays in those positions have real power. But of all those lofty style-makers so adored, how do issues such as gay rights affect them? Or does it not concern them? Let's remember Nancy Reagan, who, when her husband ignored the AIDS epidemic, threw some of her best friends into a fiery pit of anguished death. You would have thought she might have derived a bit more sympathy from the fact that a large portion of America thought her son, Ron Jr., was gay. Women like Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush are surrounded by gay folk who toil to make them look good, yet when it comes to matters of human rights, who knows if any of their friends have pleaded with them to understand? Or maybe the style-makers at the top know that such plebeian matters don't affect them – why even mention it when milady will turn a blind, beautifully made-up eye to the whole matter? – S.M.M.

5) Sex

Sex, in any coupling, is a dangerous mine field for disease and infection. According to a recent study by the Centers for Disease Control, of the 40,000 diagnosed with HIV every year in this country, more than half the cases are from homosexual activity. But it's not just HIV making a stink between the sheets. Gonorrhea is making a comeback, herpes is hot right now (and just like they tell you in that happy-dancing-on-the-beach-herpes-commercial, herpes is forever. Forever!), chlamydia, anal warts, anal cancer; we've got it all. And it's easier than getting a CD out of its package to protect yours ... and much more important than that new single from Christina. Protect yourself. Get tested. Boink responsibly. If you can't ask your partner if he or she is clean, you probably shouldn't be dirtying the sheets with them. Our community has the tools: free testing, free contraceptives, even awareness-heightening counseling – now we just need to turn them into weapons. Prove that AIDS funding wasn't just a faddish reason to wear a red ribbon. Learn the truth ... and use it. This isn't a gay thing. It isn't a straight thing. It's just plain and simple common sense. You wouldn't go sky-diving without a 'chute. So wrap it up; rubbers, gloves, dams, whatever your pleasure, and be smart. Put your life in your own hands. – K.G.

6) Internally Homophobic Closet Queens

Here's an idea for defeating the constitutional ban on gay marriage on Nov. 8: Enlist the outing services of Mike Rogers, the Washington, D.C.-based blogger and editor of BlogActive.com, who'll stop at nothing – nothing – to expose the hypocrisy of closeted gay politicians with rabidly anti-gay voting records. As in Washington, the Texas landscape also provides fertile ground for this type of, er, plowing. Capitol observers generally have little more than rumors and gaydar to go on in discerning the orientation of certain Texas politicians – but this is a time-honored guessing game for Capitol regulars, nonetheless. For Rogers, though, outing is serious business. He has dragged some of D.C.'s finest from the closets – from Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman, who directed the homophobic-pandering Bush-Cheney campaign in '04 (a Bush spokesman offered the first public denial that Mehlman is gay in GQ magazine's April issue) to high-ranking muckety-mucks in Congress, including David Dreier of California and Ed Schrock of Virginia. Indeed, these closet cases – typically the loudest opponents of gay rights – live in secret fear of a well-timed phone call from Rogers. A recent call from Rogers to a closeted Republican in the Minnesota Senate forced the politician to do a little soul-searching before casting his vote against a proposed marriage amendment, which he followed with a public coming-out speech. The senator's honest actions aren't in keeping with the Republican Party line, however. As openly gay Democratic Congressman Barney Frank explains, the GOP believes it's OK to be gay – "as long as you act somewhat embarrassed about it." – A.S.

7) Myth of Community

Is there such a thing as a "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transsexual (GLBT) community"? Or is it simply a convenient, politically correct catchall designed to ensure that none of us sexual deviants get left out? The phrase "GLBT community" does conjure up lovely visions, though: like a particular ghetto where all gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transsexuals live in harmony, and straight people could drive by, wave, and feel good about themselves, knowing we're well taken care of. Imagine a busy little scene of happy people, where everybody gets along and we all live and work in these Thomas Kinkade-ish dwellings with rainbow flags everywhere – like the Keebler elves set loose in the Garden of Earthly Delights! Charming – but fictional. Historically speaking, gay men have very little interest in lesbians and lesbians have very little interest in gay men. The pursuits of gays and lesbians are mutually exclusive and give them very little in common. And neither the gays nor the lesbians really believe there is such a thing as a bisexual – only someone who hasn't come all the way "out" yet. And then there are those born in the body of the wrong sex. They get lumped in with gays, and even a transsexual will tell you that being gay has nothing to do with transsexuality. So where's the sense of community? Of course, we all get together for a parade once a year for a big photo-op to show that we're all really brothers and sisters ... and the photos of barely dressed drag queens, bare-breasted dykes, and go-go boys in leather jockstraps are beamed all over the world. The things that we all have in common within this "community" are the same things we have in common with the rest of the world: We work, we love, we eat, we sleep, we have friends, interests, and dreams – a fairly average "lifestyle" and a fairly average "community." How does that make our community different than anyone else's? Because our community is defined not by race, not by income, not by anything except by virtue of who we love. There is nothing else that makes "us" different from "them." But whom we love is never a choice. Now, with a tide of neoconservatism, we are in a battle again to define ourselves in the eyes of the religious right. We are castigated for making the "choice" of being a homosexual – as if anyone would really choose to lead a life of persecution and being denied basic human rights. It's never been smooth-sailing for GLBTs. But if we want to talk about history, let's talk about Stonewall, where a "community" of drag queens and admirers banded together and did a kick-step down the street – a kick-step that echoes even today. And with the continuing onslaught against the rights of the GLBT, don't you think strong community identity is critical? Please ... it doesn't mean we have to love one another. We don't even have to like one another – but if we are going to survive, then a little bit of unity will go a long way. – S.M.M.

8) Separated at Birth? Mary Ann Markarian – Anita Bryant

It isn't so much the perfect helmet of brunette ... or the sculpted eyebrows or painted lips. Nor is it the treacly croon of tepid pop dedicated to the Lord. It's for their pissiness. For those of you too young to know the historical significance of Anita Bryant's impact on queer America, pay attention. Because not only did she spark the entire gay rights movement, she did it right here in Texas! Back in 1977, Bryant, a wholesome USO singer, ex-Miss America runner-up, and Florida orange juice spokesperson somehow managed to help get some seriously discriminatory laws passed (Against whom? Guess!) in Miami. Her work made it perfectly legal to discriminate on the grounds of "affectional or sexual orientation" in Dade County. The following year, in 1978, the Texas Bar Association booked Bryant to sing at their conference in Houston. Word leaked out, and a barely cohesive coalition of student groups from Rice and the University of Houston, the Metropolitan Community Church, and the Human Rights League had just enough time to band together. They attracted the support of national gay movement players, and before they could greet the predicted few hundred protesters, they found a crowd in the thousands. Voilã! Stonewall South!

Today in 2005, we have Mary Ann Markarian, a Trinity Broadcasting star and Christian pop singer (with vox remarkably similar to the bland Bryant) fresh from her engagement in the Texas state Capitol testifying on behalf of ... well, we're not sure whom, really, but most definitely against. This gospel singer cum self-appointed sexologist's Lege testimony included this chestnut: "The average male homosexual has hundreds of sex partners in his lifetime – 43% of male homosexuals had 500 or more partners. If homosexuality is legalized in Texas, it will increase and it will grow, sending the wrong message to our schoolchildren." Words worthy of starting their own movement if only for the hordes of raging queens who feel ripped off at their paltry-in-comparison conquest count. – K.X.M.

9) Isms and Lack of Empathy

Now, we're not saying that the gay community is necessarily riddled with these, but, damn, for a group who knows all too well the sting of random insults and harsh judgment, we sure can be BITCHEEEEEEEE. Do we really have to run down the checklist of isms? Well, OK, here it is in black-and-white. Racism is destructive: Oppression happens across spectrums. Cross-pollination always makes a movement stronger. Ageism is stupid: Older queers have encyclopedias of knowledge and experiences from which the young can draw and learn. Young people have the energy and new angles of analysis to tackle age-old issues. Collaboration is win-win (not to mention super sexy). Sexism is redundant: We already have opponents who spurt vitriol just because we are not the same. Boys and girls gotta find a common ground. Softball? Pets? Remember: A disproportionate number of lesbians enjoy gay male porn! And what's up with body nazis? So a certain percentage of the queer population is not HWP (height/weight proportionate). So what? Fit and fabulous? Fine. Go personal train your fellow queer. Fat and fine? Fabulous. Now get out there and shake that thing, and watch out for those dismissive jabs at the slim kids. Sometimes it's just metabolism, people. Sometimes it isn't. Tres Leches happens. Bi- and heterophobia is self-destructive: Aside from the fact that we still make up about 10% of the population and need them on lobbying day, we also need our straight and bi friends to make more gay babies. Go, straight people! – K.X.M.

10) Alcohol

There. We said it.